Your mama has announced the release of her first country single. The maternal head of your family has signed with Stroudavarious Records and lead single “Gaining Ground” will precede an album of the same title due in December. A radio station tour to promote the song will begin next Thursday after her dentist appointment. That tooth where she got the filling in May is really aching lately.
James Stroud, CEO and founder of Stroudavarious, had this to say of your mother: “She brings a lot to the table, literally and figuratively, ha ha ha. When we found out she had such a large circle of Bunco and book club friends and that she used to sing backup for a bar rock band in college, it was a no-brainer!”
When questioned if your female parent’s advanced age would be an issue in marketing, Stroud offered: “Not at all, she’s a lovely woman and aren’t ‘cougars’ in style nowadays? Ha ha.” Your dad had no comment regarding that concern.
With the magnetic kitty calendar on the fridge filling up quickly, your matriarch has been cutting carbs and doing P90X in preparation for August’s cover shoot. She’s also had to cancel plans for a yard sale the third weekend because she may be filling in for The Grascals on one night of Hank Jr.’s Rowdy Friends Tour.
You’d know all this if you’d call home more often. And how’s that new girlfriend working out?
Reported by “Trailer” Parkman of Farce the Music. Find more satirical articles in the Fake News archive.
She’d probably do better than the rest of the label’s roster…
My mother would treat us all to an incredibly painful and off-key cover of an old Randy Travis song, then spend the next 30 minutes bitching about some random, minor thing that everyone else thinks is perfectly fine (or, at worst, not that big a deal)…
Sabra, am I your long-lost sister and is our mother leading other lives with other families?