Things That Threaten My Sanity: #1 Fans
Okay, I get it. You really, really like your favorite country music star. That’s great. I have my favorites, too. But don’t you think that calling yourself ______’s #1 Fan is incredibly presumptuous?
So you know the words to every Taylor Swift song and have her pictures plastered all over your bedroom walls. It doesn’t matter. You haven’t met all of Taylor’s other fans, so you can’t fairly judge your standing. Maybe some other girl has accumulated an imposing collection of dresses, cowboy boots, and self-image issues trying to look just like Taylor. Maybe another has had her voicebox surgically replaced with one from a dying cat, trying to sound just like Taylor. And I’d be willing to bet that there’s some creepy, balding, middle-aged guy living in a basement somewhere (possibly in Indiana) who swears he’s Taylor’s #1 Fan and has elaborate plans about how he’ll prove it to the world as soon as he saves up enough money from his job at the liquor store. Who’s the biggest fan? It’s a toss-up.
With some stars, the fans never even have a shot at being #1. Who’s John Rich’s #1 Fan? It’s John Rich. No matter how obsessed you are with him, the best you can aspire to is #2. Rich may seem like an extreme example, but that’s only because he’s honest about the fact that he thinks he’s the greatest person ever. Most stars are a little more subtle. Country music stardom, especially at its highest levels, usually means maintaining an (appearance of) earthy modesty as you line your pockets and enjoy luxuries unknown to the working men and women in your audience. I’m not saying that all stars are secretly full of themselves. But those who are certainly have a financial interest in keeping their egos hidden away. Fans of those performers never even realize that the #1 spot is already taken and they’re only vying for first loser.
Anyway, as far as I can tell, the only way to really settle these fan disputes once and for all would be to hold a #1 Fan Showdown. All the mentally-distressed people claiming to be a particular singer’s “#1 FAN!!!” would gather in one room and duke it out for the title. The last fan standing would win an exclusive island flyaway with his or her favorite star. When the plane landed, the fan would find that the star was nowhere to be seen, all flights and water travel had been indefinitely suspended, and the island was home to a raging native population.
And the rest of the world would live in peace.
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Post soundtrack: “I’m Your Biggest Fan” by Dallas Wayne (Rhapsody)
I’m not sure John Rich could beat up his huge head.
I also feel sorry for the dead cat.