Local tool and fan of “whatever the country station is playing,” Morty ‘Mo’ Haas, dressed up as Kenny Chesney to attend Friday’s Kenny Chesney concert. The idea first came to Mo after a shower, as he stared through a heavy cloud of Axe at his image in the fogged mirror and realized just how much he looked like the superstar from east Tennessee. The male pattern baldness, the insane guns, the extraordinarily average visage, the 5 foot 5 stature… it all added up.
Two hours later, Mo and his buddy Chaz Vance stepped into the Mohegan Sun Arena dressed to kill… margaritas. Mo was clad in a sleeveless Hooters t-shirt, a rumpled cowboy hat bought at a garage sale, tattered size 36 Rustler jeans that took 10 minutes to stretch over his meaty thighs and a pair of Corona flip flops. His buddy Chaz dressed as one of Kenny’s guitar players, wearing jeans and a t-shirt of some indie rock band he’d never actually heard of (R.E.M.). All the fine ladies drooled and the guys mad-dogged as they strode into the arena, Mo later reported. When Kenny hit the stage, singing some song about feet or Yoohoos or something, most of the fans were staring at Mo, thinking he was actually Kenny singing from the audience, reported Chaz.
“The resemblance was disturbing” says April Curtis, who was also at the concert on Friday. “I had seats near that guy, but me and my girlfriends moved down into some empty seats because his hairy gut kept popping out from under his too-tight shirt and bumping my elbow; I nearly mouth-vomited.”
By the midway point, Chaz and Mo were so deep into the $8 margaritas that arena security officials were watching them closely. “That tool in the stretch jeans kept telling girls he actually was Kenny and that his stunt double was filling in for him tonight so he could chill with all the sexy honeys,” said Rufus Long, Mohegan Sun rent-a-cop director, “and the other sleazebag was ‘screening’ girls for him.”
Their conduct, although pathetic, never warranted an arrest during the show, but section FF was completely devoid of females by the encore. As he and Chaz stumbled out womanless, Mo bought a $35 t-shirt as a memento of the event and promptly ripped the sleeves off.
Reported by “Trailer” Parkman of Farce the Music, based on a concept by C.M. Wilcox