This Week in Country Music History (Sort Of)

It was just a matter of time. With our Fake News series, we’ve boldly gone where no man has gone before, rewriting the present and future of country music in accordance with our own whims. Now, we take a look back at country music past… in our own slightly deranged, frequently fictitious way. Since this is a new feature, your input is appreciated. Want to see it stick around? Let us know.

Without further ado, this week in country music history…

2005 – Marty Stuart invites Dierks Bentley to join the Grand Ole Opry. Having achieved this milestone, Bentley decides that he might as well stop trying. Long Trip Alone and Feel That Fire follow.

2001 – Warner Brothers unleashes The Mullet Heard ‘Round the World: the self-titled debut album from Blake Shelton. Since Twitter doesn’t yet exist, country fans are fooled into thinking that Shelton is a pretty decent guy.

1992 – Pope John Paul II declares America “a lost cause” as Brooks & Dunn’s “Boot Scootin’ Boogie” reaches the top of the Billboard country singles chart, where it will remain for four weeks.

1989 – The late Keith Whitley posthumously celebrates his first gold album with Don’t Close Your Eyes. The late Hank Williams remarks, “Ain’t that always the way.”

1978 – Zac Brown born in Atlanta’s Piedmont Hospital. Doctor’s notation describes first cry as sounding “reggae-inflected.” Nurses spend rest of day arguing about where that beanie came from.

1963 – Johnny Cash takes “Ring of Fire” to the top of the Billboard country singles chart. A bearded baby Rick Rubin (born just four months prior) dreams of one day recording him in a gritty, acoustic setting.

1958 – Neal McCoy slides out of his mother’s uterus and into a waiting pair of too-tight mom jeans in Jacksonville, Texas. Attending nurses describe the delivery as “energetic and entertaining.”

1927 – The Carter Family records for the first time in Bristol, Tennessee. Songs include “Bury Me Under The Weeping Willow” and “That Thang,” the latter of which will be revived by new country mavens Fast Ryde in 2009.