Country California

Country music. Seriously.

This Week in Country Music History

2006 – Carrie Underwood graduates magna cum laude from Northeastern State University in Tahlequah, Oklahoma. “Magna cum laude” is Latin for “better than Taylor Swift.”

2004 – Warner Bros. releases Big & Rich’s debut album, Horse Of A Different Color, as part of its pro-leprechaun initiative.

2003 – The Dixie Chicks appear sans clothing on the cover of Entertainment Weekly, fulfilling nobody’s lifelong dream of seeing Natalie Maines naked.

2003 – Josh Gracin sings a pair of Bee Gees hits, “Jive Talkin’” and “To Love Somebody,” on American Idol. This sends country labels racing to sign him.

2000 – In a sure sign of Armageddon, Lonestar’s “Amazed” wins Single and Song of the Year at the 35th Academy of Country Music Awards.

1999 – RCA releases the Alabama and ‘N Sync collaboration “God Must Have Spent A Little More Time On You.”

1998 – Atlantic releases John Michael Montgomery’s Leave a Mark album, which does just that. j/k

1994 – NBC presents “This Is Garth Brooks, Too!,” the singer’s second special. Next is “Garth Brooks Again,” followed by “Have You Had Enough of Garth Brooks Yet?!,” then “Garth Brooks Retires… Maybe”

1993 – People magazine tacitly endorses mullets by including Billy Ray Cyrus alongside Whitney Houston, Troy Aikman, Tom Cruise and John F. Kennedy Jr. on its list of the 50 Most Beautiful People.

1992 – People magazine names Alan Jackson among its 50 Most Beautiful People. “Aw shucks,” says Jackson.

1991 – Conway Twitty opens his home to fans in the Twitty City tour package, but one room – the Palace of Pastel Pleasures – is accessible only to honeys hand-selected by the Twitster himself.

1985 – MCA releases Easton Corbin’s George Strait’s “The Fireman.”

1981 – George Jones wins Top Male Vocalist and Single and Song of the Year honors (for “He Stopped Loving Her Today”) at the 16th Academy Of Country Music Awards. Jones’ plasticized hairdo is undisturbed by the series of front flips he does on his multiple trips to the stage.

1977 – Eric Church born in Granite Falls, North Carolina. His birth sort of rubbed some people the wrong way, but he did it his way and didn’t give a rip what anyone else thought.

1974 – “The Best Of The Best Of Merle Haggard” is certified gold, before being bested by “The Bester Best of Merle Haggard” the following year.

1974 – Playboy playmate Tiffany Fallon born in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. In 2006, she makes Rascal Flatts’ Joe Don Fallon – previously Rooney – a very happy blow-dried facsimile of a man.

1969 – Johnny Cash and Hank Williams Jr. gross $93,000, drawing 23,000 ticket-buyers for two shows at Detroit’s Cobo Arena. It is recognized as the highest gross in history for a country show in one day at the time. Forty years later, Taylor Swift laughs maniacally upon reading this.

1967 – Tim McGraw born in Delhi, Louisiana. Doctors have the foresight to autotune his birth cry.

1959 – Randy Traywick born in Monroe, North Carolina. At birth, his head is roughly round in shape.

1942 – Porter Wagoner graduates from the eighth grade in West Plains, Missouri, then spends the rest of his life singing songs about how girls in middle school were mean to him.

1933 – Willie Nelson emerges from the womb in plumes of smoke in Abbott, Texas.

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5 Comments

  1. I’m particularly amused by the McGraw item.

  2. That explains why Willie’s first word was “ganja”!

    Its unfortunate that Randy Travis had an older brother who put Randy’s head in a blacksmith’s vise as a baby just to see what would happen if he tightened it! Big mistake…

    In 2006 Chely Wright stopped being a Rascal Flatts fan! (She was secretly hoping Tiffany was bi…)

    I always thought “Horse of a Different Color” was both pro multi-cultural pygmy and hippie communal living specific due to Big Kenny’s influence! I should have known that instead it had something to do with both drinking green beer and pots of gold since John Rich was involved! Crikey!

    If Carrie had graduated “Summa Cum Laude” it would have meant she is “Much, Much Better Than Taylor Swift”!

  3. “In 2006 Chely Wright stopped being a Rascal Flatts fan! (She was secretly hoping Tiffany was bi…)”

    Seriously?

  4. “Magna Cum Laude’ ……maybe your best bite yet.

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  1. ACM Awards Boost Winners’ Sales; Willie Nelson Boulevard; New Carrie Underwood Video | The 9513

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