“The Christmas Shoes” Sends Local Man Over the Edge

  

Local country music fan Reginald Spears was arrested Tuesday for trespassing and destruction of property at WTSM Catfish 104.9 FM. Oddly enough, it was popular holiday song “The Christmas Shoes” that set him off.

Spears had apparently called the station several times in recent weeks profanely complaining about the seasonal hit being played so frequently. “I appreciate feedback from our listeners,” said station manager Bart McGee, “but a lot of people like to hear that song this time of year. It’s a sweet, and in no way contrived or overwrought, story.”

Currently still in the Hazzard County Jail, Spears is facing potential stiff fines and further charges pending an FCC investigation of the incident that knocked WTSM off the air for approximately 28 hours Monday and Tuesday.

Around noon on Monday, Spears allegedly climbed the fence behind the radio station and used industrial-grade bolt cutters to cut all wires and cables connecting the transmitter tower to the station. Miraculously unhurt despite the barbed wire and high voltage, Spears was only caught after posting a photo of himself urinating on the tower on Facebook.

“I told that little weasely sumbitch DJ that if he played that ‘Christmas Shoes’ crap again, he was going to regret it,” said the local man by phone interview yesterday.

Describing the circumstances that caused him to snap, Spears continued: “My internet had been down since I hit the phone line digging a pool in the front yard two weeks ago, so I was forcing myself to listen to regular radio. I usually just turned it down when they played Rascal Fatts or Fartly Gilbert, but it seemed like every other song was that damn weepy-ass feel-good piece of crap. Man, I love Jesus and everything, but f*ck me runnin’, I want to commit Harry Caray [editorial note: we're sure this is how he would have spelled it] when I hear about mama meeting Him tonight.”

Over at WTSM, McGee tells us the Clear Channel affiliated radio station may sue Spears to recoup repair charges and loss of advertising revenue: “I can’t understand how a lovely religious holiday song could make a man cause such damage – some folks just aren’t wired right, I guess.”

NewSong had no comment at press time.

Reported by “Trailer” Parkman of Farce the Music. Find more satirical articles in the Fake News archive.

Comments

    • ChurchsChicken says

      Yes, Reggie is a “total looser” but he is funny. Especially hilarious is his extreme over-reaction to music that he dislikes, coupled with his clearly absurd insistence that the music he does like is somehow more cultured and superior to that he dislikes. Reggie may take things to an extreme, but his line of thinking sadly reminds me of real people, usually those who think music was so much better when they were growing up or who think their favored genre of pop music is “real music” but other genres are music for degenerates. Reggie may be fake but sadly there are people in real life who think like him.

  1. Aikou says

    Now that I saw the Nostalgia Chick review of the movie that’s based on this song, I now get this fake news article. Poor Reginald

    I’m happy I never heard of the song until today

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