The Adventures of Fake Jamey Johnson

As rain streamed through our gutters like whiskey down Martina McBride’s gullet, I decided to make the best of bad weather by using the time of enforced inactivity to brainstorm some ideas for this here country music blog. Editorials, fake news, reviews were what I had in mind, but I’d come up with none when I happened on the thought that would derail the rest of my night:

Someone really needs to make a Jamey Johnson action figure.

If you think about it, he’s a prime candidate. He inspires squealing, fanboyish devotion from people who abhor the same in followers of Carrie Underwood, Rascal Flatts, or just about anyone else. He’s got a distinctive look, the kind you’d be proud to make a mold of and fill with plastic. He’s ‘saving’ country music like Batman saves Gotham, only without the liability of a fruity ‘gee whiz’ sidekick. He’s got the soft-spoken superhero mystique. He’s way cooler than Chuck Norris, who has his own action figure.

It’s obviously an idea whose time has come, but you can’t expect toymakers to know the score. Until they come around (and buy me out for big bucks), you can follow the directions below to make your own Jamey Johnson action figure cutout, or just follow the adventures of ours in the attached series of photos.

Make your own Jamey Johnson action figure cutout!

1. Print this picture of him, full-page, on thick card stock.
2. Cut Jamey out, taking great care not to nick him (he will kill you).
3. Paste Jamey to a sheet of cardboard for stability. Let him dry, or don’t.
4. Cut figure out of cardboard, leaving a quarter- or half-inch border around Jamey on all sides.
5. Color border around Jamey with black Sharpie. This border represents Jamey’s aura of manliness.
6. Enjoy!

—-
Edit: Mr. Daily News Roundup, aka Brody at The 9513, kindly sent over this fancy-pants version that will save you some time and ink. Click to enlarge, then right-click to save and print. You kids have got it easy.
—-

With your cutout complete, you’re ready to have all sorts of fun with Fake Jamey Johnson… or at least a passably good time that seems like big fun if you happen to be rained in at home, bored out of your mind.

Ladies and gentlemen, meet Fake Jamey Johnson.

His beard approximates the texture of shredded wheat cereal.

He enjoys posing with friends... and enacting song titles.

Also, reflecting on the weather that led to his creation.

Johnny Cash stole this pose from Fake Jamey Johnson.

For three hours each day, Fake Jamey Johnson examines his own terrifying image in the mirror.

Fake Jamey Johnson is way better than the Country Weekly duck, and knows it. In this shot, his condescension is almost palpable.

Tune in next time for more adventures with Fake Jamey Johnson… and if you decide to make one for yourself (note: this would actually be pretty pitiful), send us some pictures!