As we reported earlier, country cutie Taylor Swift was spotted window-shopping in West Hollywood over the weekend. Now, our sources on The Strip tell us Taylor wasn’t alone. In fact, the singer was hand in hand with a new beau! Read on to find out the identity of the mystery man in Taylor’s real-life “Love Story”…
Oh God, I can’t do this anymore.
When I got my first job spinning news articles online, fresh out of the now-defunct journalism program at Podunk State University, I never imagined I’d be here all these years later, trying to interest you in the love life of a privileged 21-year-old white girl from Pennsylvania.
This is the part of the article where I’d typically make some quip about how Taylor’s new boyfriend, whoever he is, should watch his step since he will inevitably end up in one of her revenge songs. Ha ha! It never gets old!
Instead, I wonder: Do you really, honestly care who Taylor Swift was holding hands with? Because I don’t… and they pay me to! Granted, they don’t pay me much. It’s ‘residual’ income based on how many pageviews the article gets in a given month. Which is why, if I want to keep food on the table, I have to write as many articles as possible about every little thing involving high-traffic search words like “Taylor Swift” and “Carrie Underwood.” It’s also why I often make outrageous, unsupportable claims just for the sake of getting attention. Ex: Carrie Underwood hates Miranda Lambert. LeAnn Rimes birthing alien baby of Kenny Rogers.
When people ask me how I sleep at night, I smile and say “just fine.” But the truth is I’m only able to keep doing what I do by continually reassuring myself that there are still real journalists out there doing real, journalistic work. I tell myself that I’m just filling a particular entertainment niche, not being complicit in the downfall of the news industry and the dumbing down of American culture more generally.
Well, no more. I’m turning a corner. Starting now, no more writing about trivial nonsense just to pay the bills. I’m a music journalist, dammit, and I’ve got standards.
Fine. It was Chord Overstreet, okay?
God, sometimes I want to punch myself in the face.
Find more satirical articles in the Fake News archive.