Taylor Swift Dumbfounded by Slightest Honor

Taylor Swift has been on a winning streak of late, endearing herself to all of America with a seemingly endless string of open-mouthed, awestruck awards show acceptance speeches. While some find it unbelievable that she is so taken aback by wins that seem a foregone conclusion, those in Swift’s inner circle insist it isn’t just an act: the singer is just as appreciative of unsurprising occurrences in her everyday life.

During a recent stop at fast food chain Wendy’s for lunch, Swift offered heartfelt thanks to an employee who gave her a heaping handful of ketchup packets for her french fries:

“Do you mean to tell me that all of those ketchup packets are for me?” she asked, flabbergasted by the worker’s implication that she might be worthy of such a large amount of the almost-disposable condiment. Her parents, standing across the room at a soda machine, dabbed their eyes with napkins, their faces radiant with pride. “I just love ketchup and it is amazing to me that, thanks to Wendy’s employees such as yourself, I can have a seemingly infinite supply of it without even asking. This is more ketchup than I ever could have imagined. Thanks for all you’ve done for me, and I love you!”

The meal proceeded uneventfully until a different worker came by with a broom, sweeping the floor along the stretch of booths where Swift and her parents were seated. Breaking suddenly into tears, Taylor grabbed the hunchbacked divorcee by the arm. “Thank you so much for all you do to keep this floor clean! This has been a wonderful year for me, and then to have a clean floor on top of that, it’s more than I ever could have imagined. Thank you for giving me the chance to do what I love, which is walk on clean floors,” she gushed, before making an adorably youthful quip about mean boys and writing in her diary. The employee wandered confusedly off as Swift’s parents embraced her in a group hug, their faces soaked with tears.

“That family is a bit much,” confided the cashier as the Swifts pulled out of the parking lot in Taylor’s multi-million-dollar tour bus. “But if you think that was bad, you should’ve seen them on ‘Buy One, Get One Free’ day.”