That one tall guy in the front row, whose name is probably Stretch McGee or Big Bill Burleson or maybe just Ted, spent two hours last night blissfully ignorant of the murderous thoughts entertained by all those seated behind him at the Emmylou Harris show in Denver.
“Dude comes in halfway through Emmylou’s second song, talking with his friend, plops his burly frame down in the front row seat that’s been saved for him… then stands back up and just sways back and forth, as though he’s so deeply moved by the song he just interrupted that he has to stand up and sway. And he’s front and center and like nine feet tall, so all anyone can see of Emmylou is from the waist up,” said longtime Harris fan Nickie Turlock.
“God, I wanted to drive a barbecue skewer right into the back of his oversized, gawky head.”
Several other concert attendees described having the nearly religious experience of seeing Harris classics like “One of These Days” and “Wrecking Ball” performed live all but destroyed by the oafish, neanderthal-like Man Fan crowding their field of vision. “He hardly sat down all night, and seemed to view every poignant silence as an opportunity to yell ‘wooooo’ in his big, stupid voice,” said one concertgoer who asked not to be named. “I swear I’m usually a very kind, peaceful person, but I could hardly focus on Emmylou for fantasizing about seeing the guy hit by an oncoming train or crushed by a falling anvil. It sounds terrible to say, but if you’d been there to see this guy, you would totally understand.”
“That was a pretty good show, I guess,” remarked the tall guy at a nearby bar later that night, unaware of just how narrowly he had escaped a brewing audience-wide conspiracy to have him offed, “but it would have been more fun if the crowd had shown a little enthusiasm. What was wrong with those people, anyway?”
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