According to a study published by the National Fan Advocacy Society (NFAS), jealousy is the primary motivating factor behind all negative reviews penned by self-important music critics.
Dr. Peter VonStraussenberg, a professor at Middle Tennessee State University commissioned by NAFS to head up the research team, summarized: “Music critics use lots of fancy terms like ‘artistic merit’ and ‘cliché’ and ‘pandering’ to make themselves seem intellectually superior to the listening public, but our finding was that all music critics are actually just spiteful recluses driven to criticize others by frustrations arising from their own conspicuous lack of musical talent and a virtual cornucopia of untreated mental health issues.”
VonStraussenberg added that many music critics are also insomniacs whose seething hatred of anyone with even a modicum of singing ability frequently keeps them up straight through the night, positing that the resultant state of overtiredness might explain their inability to discern the obvious positive attributes of songs such as Richie McDonald’s “Six-Foot Teddy Bear” and Jason Michael Carroll’s “Where I’m From.”
“One of the most interesting findings was that these sad, bitter people known as music critics do not just hate professional singers. They also bristle at the idea of normal people singing for fun, as evinced by their distaste for karaoke and tailgate singalongs. Who doesn’t love karaoke? That just seems un-American to me.”
“Music is supposed to be mindless fun, a form of entertainment, and it’s a very serious disorder indeed that causes these people to see it as a matter of such great import,” concluded VonStraussenberg, reaching for the volume knob on his radio to better hear the lyrics of the latest Rascal Flatts hit. “God, I love this song.”
In his next study, VonStraussenberg will set out to examine the possibility of a reduced incidence of sexual activity among music critics, beginning from his hypothesis that they “probably aren’t getting any.”