Breaking the one-decent-single-per-album trend that has characterized his career thus far, country superstar Jason Aldean vowed on Thursday to never release a good song to radio again.
“I’m sick and tired of these bloggers and old people and jealous haters deriving pleasure from any of my songs,” Aldean told Country California. “If they’re going to talk trash about all my other terrible – but focus group tested for maximum chart impact – singles, why should I give them a ‘Flyover States’ or anything else they might actually kinda enjoy?”
Aldean, the singer of “Amarillo Sky,” has seemingly grown more jaded and irritable in recent years, likely due to critical ‘bro-country’ backlash and social media commentary about his romantic affairs.
“I don’t owe anybody a damn thing, especially people who don’t like the two to three predictably moronic party anthems I generally release to country radio in each album cycle – it’s all or nothing, you jackasses,” said a frowning Aldean after announcing the godawful “Gonna Know We Were Here” as his newest single.
Many of Aldean’s so-called haters expected the final single from Old Boots, New Dirt to be the ear-pleasing “Two Night Town,” as it has been Aldean’s pattern to balance two or three sh*ttacular songs per album with at least one single that suggests he actually would have the talent to not be such a commerce-driven cliché of an artist if he were so inclined.
“Nobody will ever hear a ‘The Truth’ or a ‘Night Train’ from me again unless they dig into the deep album cuts,” promised Aldean. “I’m not in the business of putting out intelligent or emotionally authentic songs that a Sturgill Simpson fan might find himself enjoying, despite misgivings.”
“Screw those guys.”
Reported by “Trailer” Parkman of Farce the Music. Find more satirical articles in the Fake News archive.
Country Haiku #474
Jason Aldean Stabbed in Biker Bar Brawl
Razor X says
In other words, business as usual. ;)
Ray says
Well if that is his goal he has been headed down that “dirt road” for quite some time now. Maybe someday he will grow up and find his way back.
Jim says
Funny, I thought he wasn’t a complete sell out but sounds like he is turning into one.
Sandie says
looks like someone is have a temper tantrum. We don’t need it anyway we want old countr and real cowboy value.
Don says
Wow!!. Just Wow!! .I wonder if Johnny Cash ever said that?……… Said no true country music fan. Jason come down off your high horse.
Leeann says
Hahaha! Charlie Robison posted this on his FB and it seems that half of the people missed the Fake News tag. But is it really fake news?:)
I do wish he’d release “Two Night Town” though.
C.M. Wilcox says
For whatever reason, there isn’t always an information-gathering phase of moral outrage.
Jamie says
This article is fake and if think its real you’re stupid
Jessica says
What is the point in writing this garbage? This is not funny at it. How about writing something that actually has purpose? Like how black people are being KILLED AND NOTHING IS HAPPENING ABOUT IT! OR write about the theater shooting. Instead of lying on people use you platform to promote something useful.
Leeann says
This would be a super strange platform to talk about shootings. Weird/sanctimonious criticism.
jessica says
The comment was saying use your platform to promote something useful not tell lies on people and get them bashed.
Leeann says
Yes, some of the comment said that, but the other part said, exactly: “How about writing something that actually has purpose? Like how black people are being KILLED AND NOTHING IS HAPPENING ABOUT IT! OR write about the theater shooting.”
That part was super random.
the pistolero says
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fallacy_of_relative_privation
Ben says
The article is meant as amusing satire for discerning country music listeners. That means it’s not necessarily for everyone, but it certainly has purpose.
KeepItCountryKids says
Jessica, are you saying Jason Aldean killed black people in a theater???? I’ll start getting the word out.
Jerry Goin says
I have never listened to Jason Aldean and I am sure I never willl. He sounds like a spoiled little brat. He’ll just take his marbles and go home. Who cares?
Jamie says
He didn’t say it. Further more why are you commenting is you “don’t listen to him” & “never will” ??
Jaime Chapo says
Who cares is so correct! Rock n Roll for ever!
Lisa says
Really people? Have you never read “Fake News” on Country California? Hilarious as usual!
Jeremy Harris says
I know it’s labeled “Fake News” but, where there’s smoke, there’s usually fire.
Des says
Dumbest shit ever!!! Just seen Jason last night & he played every song mentioned!!! All LIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!