Spiteful Jason Aldean Vows to Never Release Another Good Single

aldean brawlBreaking the one-decent-single-per-album trend that has characterized his career thus far, country superstar Jason Aldean vowed on Thursday to never release a good song to radio again.

“I’m sick and tired of these bloggers and old people and jealous haters deriving pleasure from any of my songs,” Aldean told Country California. “If they’re going to talk trash about all my other terrible – but focus group tested for maximum chart impact – singles, why should I give them a ‘Flyover States’ or anything else they might actually kinda enjoy?”

Aldean, the singer of “Amarillo Sky,” has seemingly grown more jaded and irritable in recent years, likely due to critical ‘bro-country’ backlash and social media commentary about his romantic affairs.

“I don’t owe anybody a damn thing, especially people who don’t like the two to three predictably moronic party anthems I generally release to country radio in each album cycle – it’s all or nothing, you jackasses,” said a frowning Aldean after announcing the godawful “Gonna Know We Were Here” as his newest single.

Many of Aldean’s so-called haters expected the final single from Old Boots, New Dirt to be the ear-pleasing “Two Night Town,” as it has been Aldean’s pattern to balance two or three sh*ttacular songs per album with at least one single that suggests he actually would have the talent to not be such a commerce-driven cliché of an artist if he were so inclined.

“Nobody will ever hear a ‘The Truth’ or a ‘Night Train’ from me again unless they dig into the deep album cuts,” promised Aldean. “I’m not in the business of putting out intelligent or emotionally authentic songs that a Sturgill Simpson fan might find himself enjoying, despite misgivings.”

“Screw those guys.”

Reported by “Trailer” Parkman of Farce the Music. Find more satirical articles in the Fake News archive.

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Comments

  1. Ray says

    Well if that is his goal he has been headed down that “dirt road” for quite some time now. Maybe someday he will grow up and find his way back.

  2. Sandie says

    looks like someone is have a temper tantrum. We don’t need it anyway we want old countr and real cowboy value.

  3. Don says

    Wow!!. Just Wow!! .I wonder if Johnny Cash ever said that?……… Said no true country music fan. Jason come down off your high horse.

  4. says

    Hahaha! Charlie Robison posted this on his FB and it seems that half of the people missed the Fake News tag. But is it really fake news?:)

    I do wish he’d release “Two Night Town” though.

  5. Jessica says

    What is the point in writing this garbage? This is not funny at it. How about writing something that actually has purpose? Like how black people are being KILLED AND NOTHING IS HAPPENING ABOUT IT! OR write about the theater shooting. Instead of lying on people use you platform to promote something useful.

  6. Jerry Goin says

    I have never listened to Jason Aldean and I am sure I never willl. He sounds like a spoiled little brat. He’ll just take his marbles and go home. Who cares?

  7. Des says

    Dumbest shit ever!!! Just seen Jason last night & he played every song mentioned!!! All LIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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