Shania Twain met with a hefty, trenchcoat-clad man in a back alley late last night to make arrangements concerning up-and-coming country music star Danielle Peck. Twain wore a disguise for the meeting, her long hair tucked up into a beanie and familiar visage obscured by a set of black-rimmed glasses with a false nose and thick caterpillar moustache attached. Even so, some passersby report that the precautionary measure was all for naught, as the full-body leopard print outfit totally gave her away anyway.
Peck, who has been earning comparisons to Twain with a hooky, estrogen-fueled pop-country sound since her first chart appearance in 2005, was unavailable for comment. To the best of our knowledge, she is not yet aware that sometime before the end of the week, a henchman will sneak up behind her with a blanket, toss it over her head, and drag her off to the underground dungeon of Twain’s secret Nashville lair, where she will be held captive until Twain has successfully reestablished her industry foothold.
This is just the first of many items on the comeback to-do list of Ms. Twain, who is looking to reassert her artistic and commercial relevance following a split from longtime husband and producer Mutt Lange. Early tomorrow morning, Twain is expected to do a drive-by egging of the Nashville area home of Kenny Chesney, who has taken home the CMA Entertainer of the Year award four times since her sole win in 1999.
Next week, Twain will anonymously post disparaging remarks about Jessica Simpson on the internet.