Think you know everything there is to know about the human skeleton? Think again. Researchers at Harvard Medical School have confirmed the existence of two previously unknown bone segments, which are unofficially being called the drinkin’ and hillbilly bones.
The research team was led by Dr. Fred Hickenbottom, who spoke to us from his Boston practice.
“Perhaps owing to its positioning down deep inside, the hillbilly bone went undetected by our team of city-bred scientists for a long time,” said Hickenbottom. “In fact, we didn’t discover it until a lab assistant brought in a country CD to use as background music while we worked. When the band started banging and the fiddle sawed, we couldn’t help but hollering ‘Yeehaw!’ The fact that we all yelled out in unison put it in our minds to investigate whether that response might be somehow anatomically based.”
According to Hickenbottom, the drinkin’ bone was even trickier to isolate. “We had to work backwards for that one. Obviously, if she don’t think it’s funny and you wind up all alone, the lonely bone must be connected to the staying out all night long. The breakthrough was discovering the connection between the staying out all night long and the party bone, and then linking the party bone back to this other bone, which we are now calling the drinking bone. It sounds obvious, and even sort of mindlessly catchy, now, but we burnt through about 3 million in government grants to get to this point. A lot of people are calling it a major development in medical science.”
Inspired by the success of their peers at Harvard, researchers at Oxford University are now investigating the question of whether a human being can survive without skin, muscle tissue, and all vital organs if alcohol is present. The new study was inspired by the recently unearthed notebooks of a Dr. J. Michael Montgomery, whose medical files (dating back as far as 1993) describe treatment of an “ol’ boy” who “ain’t nothing but beer and bones.” It’s unknown what became of the doctor or the patient in that case.