Guest submission from friend of the site Sam Gazdziak. Thanks, Sam!
As the clean-up crew at Pittsburgh’s Heinz Field digs through the first strata of garbage left by fans at last weekend’s Luke Bryan concert, concert promoters are congratulating Bryan and his fans for banding together to just trash the living hell out of the venue.
“Last year’s concert featuring Eric Church and Kenny Chesney left beer cans, garbage, blood, and human excrement all over Heinz Field and the surrounding area,” said concert promoter Heath Fine. “I stood outside the field with my partners last year, looking at the post-apocalyptic-like devastation, and we all wondered, ‘How are we ever going to top this?’ Thanks to Luke Bryan, we did it.”
“We just want to thank all our fans who came from all over the country to get really, really drunk, pee all over the place, and leave acres of trash in their wake,” Bryan’s management team said in a statement issued on Monday morning. “Luke said that the sounds of garbage cans being tipped over, people getting punched in the face, and violent retching could all be heard clearly from the stage, which told him that everyone was having a good ol’ time.”
“PITZBURG NEVER NEW WAT HIT IT!!!!!!!” tweeted Bryan’s personal assistant/pants tightener, Craig Evengy, moments after the show. “SUK IT ERIC CHURCH. OUR FANS LEFT WAE MORE SHT THAN YURS.” Hours later, presumably after sobering up and turning off the caps lock key, Evengy deleted those words and instead tweeted, “Our fans always go all out for us. Lots of luv!”
About 50,000 country music fans came to Heinz Field to get falling-down drunk, engage in fist fights, bust open garbage bags in the parking lot, and listen to Bryan and openers Cole Swindell, Lee Brice, and Dierks Bentley. Almost three dozen attendees had to be taken to the hospital with a variety of injuries, from knocked-out teeth and fractured jaws to one fan who suffered blunt force trauma when a rhinestone popped off Bryan’s jeans during a booty shake and embedded itself in her forehead.
“I don’t know what the alcohol sales are for a Steelers game, but I bet that we, like, ninetupled that number,” said a concert attendee who would identify himself only as T-Dawg. T-Dawg said that he had come with his bros Skeezy Ray and Cousin Bubba and a dozen cases of beer each. After forgetting which mountain of empties was covering their pickup truck, T-Dawg said that the trio participated in a garbage bag kicking contest in the parking lot before stumbling into the stadium itself, where they arrived just in time to hear Bryan perform a medley of rap duo L’Trimm’s greatest hits.
All totaled, there were 19 arrests and 37 citations issued by police at the concert. T-Dawg proudly stated that he accounted for three public urination citations all by himself, which put him in second place overall, behind only Skeezy Ray’s girlfriend.
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