According to Nashville news sources, an orange woman is weighing the possibility of reuniting with her porcelain mother in 2010.
“We’re in talks, so there’s nothing that’s been defined yet,” said the woman, who wears flame red hair in a feeble attempt to draw attention away from her Oompa-Loompa-like skin tone. “I just felt it in my spirit. A couple weeks ago I said, ‘It’s 2010. It’s been 25 years. It’s take your porcelain mother to work year.’ It just feels like it’s the right time; she’ll be 64 in January, and there’s no telling how long it will be before my face melts off, so I think it’s time.”
With a soulful curl of her lip, she added: “Don’t you think it’s time, don’t you think it’s time.”
Although it’s unclear what the strange woman – who denies being radioactive but is kept away from children and elderly just in case – is talking about, it’s even less clear how she developed her unusual color. Indeed, her carrot-like hue is the talk of the town, with many of country’s biggest stars eager to offer their own theories:
“Was she, like, trying to dye her hair… and she passed out in the bucket and ended up accidentally dying her face?” wondered Kellie Pickler, who has herself recently undergone a drastic change in hair color.
“She might be on that newfangled ‘pumpkin only’ diet. If that’s the case, I can tell her straight up right now, it don’t work,” advised Cledus T. Judd, who briefly experimented with the pumpkin diet before finally losing weight through a combination of exercise and kicking the ‘biscuits and gravy after 10pm’ habit.
Meanwhile, a sympathetic Dolly Parton offered: “Lordy, we all get the hot flashes.”
Whatever the cause of her condition, the woman is writing a self-help book aimed at teaching those similarly afflicted how to love themselves, embrace their orangeness, and sing like sassy black women.