Furthering its reputation for fearless innovation in television programming, FOX has announced that the new American Country Awards show will be the first program of its type to arrive at winners entirely through non-scientific polling of a loose aggregation of temperamental monkeys.
Already, some nominees are registering concerns about the voting process. In a strongly-worded letter scrawled on the back of a cabana napkin, ‘Best Male Vocalist’ nominee Kenny Chesney called monkey-voting “a sham” that “stands to tarnish the good image of country music.” ‘Best Female Vocalist’ nominee Taylor Swift expressed similar frustration, saying that, had she known about this ahead of time, she would have pitched her voice toward a frequency more pleasing to monkey ears. Since she wasn’t given that chance, she feels the results will be a crap shoot.
Other artists, however, see the new format as being for the better. “I feel like we’ve really got a shot this year,” said Brett Warren, one half of perpetual fifth-wheel ‘Best Duo’ nominees The Warren Brothers. “It’s about time someone shook things up!” agreed the members of ‘Best Vocal Group’ nominee Emerson Drive.
According to Jeff Calhoun, the FOX official in charge of monkey polling, early rounds of voting have gone well: “There was some concern that the monkeys might skew toward Keith Urban, who named his fan club after them, but if anything, they’ve shown a preference for whichever nominee is wearing the brightest clothing in promotional shots. They also seem to prefer songs they can dance to over more lyrically substantive fare.”
It’s not unfair to wonder whether those biases will color the final results.
“Listen, we know the voting process isn’t perfect. The hope is that we’ll learn from our mistakes and avoid doing anything that’ll leave us wiping egg off our faces in the future,” explained Calhoun, adding: “Can you believe that other awards shows have entrusted this process to any old schmuck with phone access and time on his hands? At least the monkeys are pre-screened for some sort of base-level human intelligence.”
Find more satirical articles in the Fake News archive.