America celebrated Tuesday as 12 miners who spent three days trapped inside the woolly recesses of country singer Jamey Johnson’s beard were finally reunited with their loved ones. The mining crew had not been seen since Saturday, when the collapse of an interior wall in the main shaft left them stranded deep inside the wiry abyss. Concerned families remained camped around Johnson throughout the heroic three-day extraction effort staged by scissor-equipped rescue crews.
“Everyone knows that Jamey’s beard is dangerously untamed territory, but we never expected that something like this could happen. Its imposing ruggedness aside, we believed the beard to be at least structurally sound,” said Jack Hacker, whose company was responsible for sending the men into Johnson’s beard in search of coal deposits. “In light of this unfortunate incident, our planned expeditions into the beards of Steve Earle and Joaquin Phoenix have been postponed indefinitely. Our deepest apologies go out to the families affected by the collapse.”
“It’s nice that they’re sorry, but that doesn’t change the fact that they were extremely irresponsible to send these men in without adequate shearing equipment and anti-itch protection, and without first conducting a thorough inspection of the beard’s structural integrity. This won’t be the last you hear of this matter,” promised Laura Litigious, spokeswoman for the Beard Miner Rights Advocacy Association (BMRAA).
For the family members whose prayers of being able to embrace their fathers, husbands, sons and brothers once more were answered yesterday, anger can wait. This is a time for carpe diem celebration.
“Right now, we’re just glad to have him back,” said Debbie Ann McKenzie, whose husband Joe was one of the dozen who miraculously survived three days in the bristly depths of Johnson’s facial wilderness. “He’ll probably smell like whiskey-soaked gym clothes for weeks, but we’re glad he’s coming back home.”