Members of pop-country group Rascal Flatts are reportedly on the outs over a shower loofah that went missing somewhere between tour stops in Green Bay, WI, and Hunstville, AL, in late February or early March.
“I use the loofah for its soft texture and excellent exfoliating capabilities,” said bassist Jay DeMarcus, a longtime fan of the dainty shower accessory. “It’s like a bath and a massage all packed into one portable puff. My life hasn’t been the same since I discovered the loofah, and it hasn’t been the same since some bastard stole mine a few weeks ago.”
“Loofahs are disgusting,” argued guitarist Joe Don Rooney in a separate interview. “They’re like breeding grounds for bacteria, especially when you use the same one for years like Jay does. He was calling that one his Anniversary Loofah because he got it around the time our first record changed the face of modern music. If you do use one of those frilly filthballs, you’re supposed to replace it every few months. So I wouldn’t say it’s a bad thing that the loofah went missing. It was about time, really. It got to where just seeing that thing in the shower was making me physically ill.”
DeMarcus wasn’t surprised by his bandmate’s response. “Oh, I know how Joe Don feels about them. We’ve had this talk hundreds of times, rolling through the night on our tour bus after a sweaty show. But I’d like to think that he wouldn’t do something like this, especially when he knows how much I value my loofah time. One day it was hanging in the stall, then a few days later – I only shower on show days – it was gone.”
For his part, lead singer Gary LeVox thinks the whole ordeal is a bit silly. “Believe me, I’ve heard about the missing loofah. Jay won’t shut up about it to the crew, and he hasn’t spoken to me or Joe Don in weeks. Don’t those things cost like two bucks at a drugstore? Build a bridge and get over it, brother.”
“It’s the principle of the thing,” counters DeMarcus. “It was my loofah. You don’t see me messing with Joe Don’s tanning bed or Gary’s man-girdle. There’s gotta be some respect for personal property.”
Find more satirical articles in the Fake News archive.