Country California

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Martina McBride Suspected in Several Area Holdups

Superstar country singer Martina McBride is the unlikely suspect in several recent Nashville armed robberies.

On Thursday, a Brentwood Texaco cashier reported that shortly after 9 PM, a very short-in-stature woman dressed in a black overcoat and a collectible miniature Predators hockey mask demanded all the cash from the register and 8 cans of watermelon Four Loko. The victim said he laughed until the assailant produced a semiautomatic pistol while screaming “Don’t doubt me, Hassan, I know how to shoot this b*tch!” She left the Texaco with an undisclosed amount of money, the Four Loko beverages and several sticks of beef jerky.

Saturday morning, a BP station in the same general vicinity was robbed at gunpoint by a similarly described female. On this occasion, the woman lit a rack of Country Weekly magazines on fire before leaving the premises with cash, an Ed Hardy lighter and a handful of Black & Mild cigarillos. “She was yelling about Carrie Underwood when she burned those magazines; it was surreal,” recounted BP attendant Cliff Carlston. “She was cussing like a sailor, but that voice… her voice was so familiar… and uplifting.”

A string of robberies across the area has been attributed to the same suspect, with the top of her head caught on surveillance tapes at local convenience stores, banks and check cashing services. A black Lincoln SUV with step-sides has been mentioned as the getaway car in several instances. Investigators point to this fact along with a tip from a distraught child at the McBride residence as evidence of the singer’s involvement in these crimes.

McBride’s lawyers had no comment and Martina herself was in conference with her legal team at press time. The Davidson County Sheriff’s Department said they were looking to obtain some juvenile-size cuffs before taking McBride into custody on suspicion of robbery, arson and assault.

Reported by “Trailer” Parkman of Farce the Music. Find more satirical articles in the Fake News archive.

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  1. She must be stopped.

  2. She should have been stopped by now, but she can evade arrest just by screaming “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!”

    With the way Martina holds her notes, I bet she stretches a four-letter word to twenty letters whenever she cusses.

  3. I bet Lee Ann Womack is framing her to get revenge for the royalties issue.

  4. So Mama Bird Cretin is on the loose yet again? What kind of parole system do they have in Tennessee anyway? Can gold and platinum albums be traded as “get out of jail” cards in the Volunteer State? Crikey!

    I’m thinking about relocating to Nashville to open “Martina’s Bail Bonds”! I’m sure I could make a nice living off the namesake alone…

  5. Is it just me, or did she do this same sorta thing around Christmas last year?

  6. Some people just don’t handle the holidays well.

  7. The economy is tough on celebrities too!

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