Martina McBride Suspected in Gas Station Robbery

Pop-country singer Martina McBride is reportedly being questioned in connection with the robbery of a Franklin convenience store on Sunday.

Clerk Thomas McKean was in the middle of his morning shift around 9:10am when a petite masked figure burst through the doors of the Exxon Express, musket in hand and reeking of Jack Daniels. Taking McKean hostage, the powerful female voice threatened to “shoot his face off” if he didn’t assist her in a demolition mission that involved knocking down whole aisles of merchandise and emptying the refrigerators lining the walls.

Leaving all but the Sunny D display strewn about the shop’s floor, the duo then moved to the cash register, where the female culprit – allegedly McBride – forced McKean to empty all of its contents into her handbag. As he did so, she hummed “Hit Me With Your Best Shot” quietly to herself in between drunken hiccups.

“Even though she was only about five feet tall, it was still pretty scary,” says McKean. “I’ve never had a musket to my head. Actually, I’m not even sure where you’d find a musket these days. I had never even seen one before in real life. But this tiny, tiny lady obviously knew how to use it, so I wasn’t about to mess with her.”

With the store in disarray and the cash in the bag, the intruder threw her tiny body against the exit door twice, finally budging it on her third attempt. She sprinted past the pumps with musket waving over her head, then peeled out of the lot in her minivan, nearly clipping an old lady with a walker as she crossed the sidewalk.

Police were led to suspect McBride’s involvement by security camera footage showing the vehicle’s vanity license plate number to be WBWBW, as well as the presence of a napping John McBride in the passenger seat.

Members of the McBrides’ church report that the family showed up ten minutes late to the 9:30 service.

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