Country California

Country music. Seriously.

Martina McBride Suspected in Gas Station Robbery

Pop-country singer Martina McBride is reportedly being questioned in connection with the robbery of a Franklin convenience store on Sunday.

Clerk Thomas McKean was in the middle of his morning shift around 9:10am when a petite masked figure burst through the doors of the Exxon Express, musket in hand and reeking of Jack Daniels. Taking McKean hostage, the powerful female voice threatened to “shoot his face off” if he didn’t assist her in a demolition mission that involved knocking down whole aisles of merchandise and emptying the refrigerators lining the walls.

Leaving all but the Sunny D display strewn about the shop’s floor, the duo then moved to the cash register, where the female culprit – allegedly McBride – forced McKean to empty all of its contents into her handbag. As he did so, she hummed “Hit Me With Your Best Shot” quietly to herself in between drunken hiccups.

“Even though she was only about five feet tall, it was still pretty scary,” says McKean. “I’ve never had a musket to my head. Actually, I’m not even sure where you’d find a musket these days. I had never even seen one before in real life. But this tiny, tiny lady obviously knew how to use it, so I wasn’t about to mess with her.”

With the store in disarray and the cash in the bag, the intruder threw her tiny body against the exit door twice, finally budging it on her third attempt. She sprinted past the pumps with musket waving over her head, then peeled out of the lot in her minivan, nearly clipping an old lady with a walker as she crossed the sidewalk.

Police were led to suspect McBride’s involvement by security camera footage showing the vehicle’s vanity license plate number to be WBWBW, as well as the presence of a napping John McBride in the passenger seat.

Members of the McBrides’ church report that the family showed up ten minutes late to the 9:30 service.

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5 Comments

  1. I don’t think it was McBride who robbed the store. Martina McBride is a hardened criminal. Yea, in her teenage years she did rob gas stations. But she has long since graduated to bigger crimes and I think she would believe that robbing a gas station is kinda beneath her at this stage in her career. She has her sights set on bigger hoists.

  2. When, oh when, will Drunken Martina’s downward spiral into a life of crime and debauchery end? It appears its just a matter of time now until Mama Bird Cretin finally slips up and gets sent off to the Big House! I fear that even if Martina sings an especially perky version of “I Love You” to the judge at the time of sentencing, it won’t do any good. Its time Drunken Martina realized they serve NASA surplus Tang in prison and not Sunny D! That might snap her out of it…

  3. I totally believed this and was surprized I hadn’t heard it elsewhere! I even did a google search. lol

  4. I didn’t quite get the “WBWBW” part at first, but when I thought about, then it hit me – “Wrong Baby Wrong Baby Wrong”! Cute.

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