A year-long investigation into a Tennessee cockfighting operation ended on Tuesday as authorities finally tied the alias of ringleader Mama Bird Cretin to a real person and moved in for the capture. Troubled pop-country singer Martina McBride was apprehended after a brief shootout at her Nashville home.
McBride’s behavior had grown increasingly erratic over the past couple years, from early reports of drunkenness at public appearances to deliberately inciting riots at some concerts. Recently, she even agreed to tour with the guy who recorded “Badonkadonk” and “I Got My Game On.” “That was when we knew she really had a problem,” said friend Faith Hill. But none of McBride’s prior conduct hinted at cockfighting, or at the pistol-waving confrontation with authorities that transpired at her sprawling Tennessee country estate yesterday.
Detective Jack Barker characterizes the lengthy investigation leading up to the arrest as a series of missed opportunities.
“In hindsight, we might have overlooked a few clues as to Mama Bird’s identity. One of the first guys we arrested expressed fear that the operation’s leader ‘might go all Independence Day on my ass’ if he revealed the name to us. This being Tennessee, we took the song reference as being common parlance rather than a veiled hint. It didn’t even cross our mind to question Martina McBride. She always seems so sweet on TV.”
“Later, an informant who claimed to have seen Mama Bird offered to do a sketch for us. At the time, we didn’t know what a picture of a kid with a bag of leaves had to do with anything. We thought the guy was yanking our chain, you know… or Mama Bird was employed as a gardener. We did question a few leaf-blower operators.”
The major breakthrough came when McBride showed up for a Shape magazine cover shoot with her face and arms covered in scratches and peck marks. Although she claimed to have fallen into a thorny bush, the photographer spotted a bloody feather stuck to the heel of her shoe and contacted authorities.
“Once we got that tip, all the pieces started falling into place, and we began seeing stuff we had missed the first time,” explains Detective Barker. “For example, the known dates of cockfights all matched up with holes in Martina’s tour schedule, and many of the gamecocks were named after Pat Benatar songs.” Just days after receiving the photographer’s tip, police moved in for the arrest.
Although he’s glad to finally have the mastermind of the cockfighting operation behind bars, Barker can’t help but wish the investigation had gone a bit differently: “We could have gotten to the bottom of this a lot faster if we had just run ‘Mama Bird Cretin’ through an anagram solver. But you live and learn, I guess.”
With this case behind him, Barker will next set about tracking down the mysterious Nashville-area fast food holdup man known only as Gravely Ox. “I don’t even know where to start with that one,” he confesses.
Concept by Farce the Music
Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Good lord, this is genius!
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! I was laughing every second of reading this article! So funny. You are brilliant.
AHA! I always knew there must be a sinister side lurking beneath all that sweetness and light! McGruff the crime dog must be very proud of detective Barker!
PS – I’ve got a tip about the fast food restaurant thief for Detective Barker! I hear he hangs out in a crappy neighborhood on the wrong side of the tracks called Scalar Slaftt! Just look for the tubby blonde guy whose shirt buttons are about to burst modeling a “pompous pompadour” hairstyle and singing recycled 80′s rock hits…
Gravely Ox? lol forver!
I wish they had busted this ring before I lost $400 when ‘Fire and Ice’ beat ‘Shadows of the Night’. Live and learn I guess.
Those dead baby jokes were clearly a cry for help.
HILARIOUS! Thanks for the laugh! True genius!
This article is a disgrace and you should be sued for slander! Also, you have tried to fool viewers into reading an article they consider to be serious news? Shame on you and I hope Martina McBride’s lawyers sue you and drag you to court!
Let’s see…
1) It’s labeled right up top as “Fake News.”
2) The whole story is so outlandish as to be deliberately unbelievable.
3) At the bottom, it says “Concept by Farce the Music.”
4) Reader comments below article indicate that the satirical tone of the piece was correctly identified by everyone but you.
I’m sorry if this has been passed along on some other site as real news, but I can’t be held accountable for anyone else’s poor reading practices.
Libel law exempts satirical pieces, especially when they are so obviously fake as the stuff on this site.
Ridiculous and funny as usual!
Trish,
The Onion seems to be doing just fine, by the way.
http://www.theonion.com/content/index
Trish – I think you mean libel, not slander. But in any case, Martina would have no luck suing over this article.
This, along with your other Martina fake news stories, is too funny for words! :D Great job!