Local Man Arrested for Jukebox Assault

  

Local bowler and country music fan Reginald Spears, 46, has been arrested for destruction of property at an area bowling alley. Last Saturday at 9:15 PM, Spears was taken into custody for destroying the facility’s jukebox with his 17 pound black-speckled Brunswick ball.

Released on bail, Mr. Spears sat down and spoke with FNN correspondent Trailer about the events that had transpired on the previous Saturday.

“Well, it goes like this,” started Spears. “I was about to bowl my first 300 game; I was down to my final muthaf***ing frame and you know what come on the jukebox? F***ing Glory-anner. I’d dealt with Jason Aldean, Tim McGraw and Taylor Swift through 10 freaking perfect rolls, but that ‘Wild at Heart’ song just jerked me out of my zone… I went right in the gutter, g**dammit!”

“My name is not on a little wooden plaque at the Southpaw Lanes because of a damn show choir!!” raged Reginald. “My blood started boilin’ in the sixth set when somebody played that dirty sumb*tch Kid Rock, but I let it slide with the help of some cold, sweet High Life…”

Missing out on the first perfect game cranked Reginald into an unbridled fury. Witness reports have him cursing at a high volume before retrieving his ball from the return. He walked semi-calmly to where the change machine and jukebox rest against the south wall before going into his locally revered wind-up.

“He bowled a strike on that one!” laughed Percy Garvin, local 205 average bowler. “I gave him a high five. I hate country music! Why can’t anybody around here ever order up some Clarence Carter?”

Spears’ shot hit squarely in the middle of the “new fangled” digital jukebox, smashing two speakers and the hard drive, ending the evening’s musical accompaniment. Insurance adjusters called it a total loss, valuing the jukebox at $1250.35.

“I smiled in the mug shot… Hell, I’m proud of what I did,” said a defiant Mr. Spears. “I struck a blow against mainstream country and against that little dumb*ss drunk sorority girl who paid half a dollar to hear crap.”

Reginald Spears has been banned from Southpaw Lanes and removed from the local league, prompting this response from the accused: “I don’t give a fried f**k; I’m going into golf now. That’s the only other sport you can drink while you play.”

Reported by “Trailer” Parkman of Farce the Music. Find more satirical articles in the Fake News archive.

Comments

  1. Mike K says

    I laughed out loud, great job.

    I heard that on his way out another league member said, “you may fool those $#%&@ down at the league office, but you don’t fool the Jesus.”

  2. badrockandroll says

    Reginald ought to move north of the 49th – curling is a grand sport, especially when there are bars at both ends of the rink.

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