LeAnn Rimes Not Photographed Wearing Bikini

A source inside the LeAnn Rimes camp has revealed the tragic details of a recent beach outing with husband Eddie Cibrian during which the sculpted and manicured Rimes wore a brand new white Michael Kors Speed Clip Bikini without any photographic documentation whatsoever.

“It was chaotic to say the least,” said our source. “First, two of the photographers we tipped off came down with strep throat. How does that happen? Anyway, the TMZ guy got into a fender bender with Amanda Bynes and couldn’t make it.”

The complications didn’t end there: “I could’ve taken a picture myself, but I dropped my phone in the surf. That’s the third one this year! Then, Eddie’s phone ran out of juice, so we asked LeAnn if she’d brought hers. She said ‘This thing doesn’t have pockets’ and that was it. Not a single person was around to get proof of just how hot and stunning she looked in that new suit.”

Rimes had been on the Insanity Workout for 29 days and her triceps were really defined, according to the source. Also, her glutes were “to die for.”

“I mean, how is the world supposed to cope without evidence of this glorious spectacle of feminine flesh? That awesome Michael Kors suit is wasted and LeAnn is worried the celeb-worship sites may move on to some other fame whores like the Jenner sisters or one of those teen moms,” continued the insider.

Our source assures us that a catastrophe of this magnitude will not happen again. TMZ and The Superficial have given their support to Rimes, guaranteeing coverage for her lack of coverage for the foreseeable future.

A Malibu trip is scheduled for this Saturday, with LeAnn revealing her newly ripped shoulders in a Mara Hoffman pistachio number. Thirty-five members of the paparazzi have been notified of the outing and our source promises there will be several backup phones available. Whew!

Reported by “Trailer” Parkman of Farce the Music. Find more satirical articles in the Fake News archive.