Kenny Chesney Sure Someone’s Attacking Him from Left Side

  

In the latest issue of Mental Health Monthly magazine, sources close to country superstar Kenny Chesney speak out for the first time about the singer’s long battle with a mysterious psychological condition: a debilitating fear of being attacked from the left side, with which Chesney has quietly struggled for his entire singing career.

According to psychotherapist Dr. Doug Jefferson, this explains the singer’s tendency to whip his head to the left as he finishes delivering each line at the microphone – a tic that becomes especially pronounced during up-tempo songs, as his heart races and ambushes from a thousand Steven Seagal films play out in his head.

“If you really want to understand Kenny,” says Dr. Jefferson, “you had to understand that, in his mind, he’s always a hair’s breadth away from an unexpected roundhouse kick or large metal pipe to the face followed by an elaborate Jackie Chan-style fight sequence. It’s why he runs around so much on stage, too.”

Like most people learning to live with mental issues, Chesney has tried a variety of coping mechanisms over the years. Early in his career, his contract stipulated that the entire audience always be situated to the far left of the stage, such that he might more easily detect any potential assailants coming from that side of the stage. More recently, he has taken to inviting burly NFL friends to watch his arena shows from the wings so long as they remain positioned just out of sight at stage left.

“One time I started heading for the backstage bathroom during ‘Never Wanted Nothing More’ and Chesney’s tour manager flipped out on me, screaming about how that’s not what I was ‘there for’ and if I DID go to the bathroom, Kenny’s blood would be on MY hands,” says friend Peyton Manning. “Up until then, I thought I was just at the show to hang out. When I asked Kenny about it later, he started crying. I didn’t bring it up again.”

Also in the Mental Health Monthly article, a friend of Renée Zellweger suggests Kenny’s condition may have had something to do with the couple’s 2005 annulment: “Things just weren’t the same between them after she went in for a hug suddenly from the left side and got thrown clear.”

Find more satirical articles in the Fake News archive.

Comments

    • Penny says

      Turning your head is a normal natural thing to do, just like the actress Kristin Stewart of Twilight biting her lip in every single movie she does. He also has whatever girl he’s into at the moment sitting to the left of the stage at every show.

  1. Penny says

    Whoever is writing this is working for country singers who are competing against the biggest country superstar who has won entertainer of the year multiple times. Turning your head is a normal natural thing to do, just like the actress Kristin Stewart of Twilight biting her lip in every single movie she does. He also has whatever girl he’s into at the moment sitting to the left of the stage at every show. Planting false rumors is just giving more attention to Kenny and illustrating the jealousy out there. Kenny Chesney is the shit and the jealous publicists of people like Keith Urban etc can all go F*CK themselves. He can’t be defeated so you should all give up on trying.

  2. meghan says

    HAHA I always read these articles because they show up in google news, and as i read them I’m believing them until i see the thing about it being a fake news site… :-P this was an interesting one though lol….

  3. Penny says

    I think its fair to say that whoever wrote this article should take notes from my responses on how to have some level of entertainment value in his works. Wilcox– you’re pretty one dimensional. step it up.

  4. tlwatkins says

    Ok I believe this is a true article. I seen him at a concert last night and noticed the tick it honestly reminded me of someone on cocaine and it really disappointed me and why I did a search to better understand and this makes more sense. I seen this first hand and it really bothered me as a fan and I feel much better knowing it is not drug related like I first suspected.

  5. Jan says

    This article was hilarious! But what is even funnier, is that some people think its for real! Its joke people people…laugh!! :)

  6. Tim D says

    I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder & Anxiety.I don’t find mental health issue’s funny at all. If your dealing with a mental health issue it will change your life. Lost my job of 2&1/2 years because people don’t understand PTSD, OCD, ANXIETY & other mental health conditions. Love to laugh but somethings just aren’t funny.

  7. Ben Dover says

    Joking about mental health is NEVER funny & it really says something about anyone who thinks it is. I guess it’s acceptable because it’s country music. If it were any other genre being mocked I suppose the writer would think it was terrible.

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