John Rich’s House Even Cooler Than You Thought

  

When it comes to country superstar John Rich, even the home he lives in is controversial. Called an eyesore and a blight by “jealous neighbors,” Mt. Richmore is even cooler than you might have imagined, says an anonymous source who has visited the well-equipped abode several times.

This insider, who asked us to refer to him as Bart Mozart, says all the bright lights pointing away from Rich’s home are for good reason. “It’s so nosy-ass locals can’t see all the cool sh** in there. Dude, they’d sh** a brick if they knew!” said Bart.

We’ve all heard about the fully-stocked bar in the elevator, but that’s just the tip of the awesomeness iceberg, according to Mr. Mozart. There are also mini-bars in each of the five bathrooms, another fully-stocked bar in the master bedroom and a wine locker the size of a football field directly underneath the house. In addition to those liquid amenities, Mt. Richmore’s main bar (staffed by two bartenders and six buxom waitresses) also has a bar in its bathroom, and the pool table opens to reveal a beer vault.

“John’s even working on figuring out how to put a bar inside the bar; man, how f***ing cool is that? We figured out that you are never more 4 1/2 feet from a dose of refreshment,” laughed Bart. “And we party like it’s 1989… uh, I mean 1999, or whenever..”

Behind the family room on the second story, Rich has built a full recording studio with enough room for an entire band with backing horns to rehearse or record crappy music at the same time. There is also a bar both in this studio and in the control booth, with Rich’s own “Richmore Ale” on draft directly from the soundboard.

One would think that so much potential drinking might lead to some accidents, but Bart says JR has planned for this. “Every room has a vacuum system built into the floor to suck up anything you spill, and the walls are made of a super strong polymer that’s kinda soft to fall against but tough enough to withstand a brawl or a thrown vase, not that those things ever happen,” informed Mozart.

“Bart” went on to describe the pad’s home theater (w/ bar), garage (x2), kitchen (yep) and dining room (sure), all designed with the most forward-thinking style, technology and accommodations for drinkers available on the market today. He also said to catch him on the latest season of Celebrity Fit Camp on VH1 – then he tried to retract that statement.

In summary, Mt. Richmore is truly a marvel of western innovation.

Reported by “Trailer” Parkman of Farce the Music. Find more satirical articles in the Fake News archive.

Comments

    • NYB says

      This article is full of crap. I have been in this house several times and there is not a vaccum in the floor. The bathrooms do not have bars in them . The wine cellar is not the size of a football field. His staffing is only for certain occasions, not full time. I could go on and on.

  1. angel says

    It took you “forever”?? the mozart thing was the key for me just by the beginning I knew, also the constant swearing. I’m mean didn’t you hear the Message left on Jared’s answering machine. Any-hoo an alcoholic whose house is nothing more than a bar? Surprise, surprise, surprise, what a wonderful home to raise a child in, Bunch of LIBERAL CHRISTIAN hoopla!! Sorry guys but I’m not impressed, surprised or interested. yawn…..i’m outta here.

      • angel says

        a “Liberal Christian” is those that basically hold the bible in one hand and a sin in the other. If you brag about your religiousness and yet you sin left and right like intentionally sin then you are a Liberal Christian. I grew up around religion hard core, yet I remember all the stuff that was preached was never practiced by anyone in church. Don’t get drunk, don’t do drugs, fidelity, don’t steal, don’t lie, those little things that are usually inculcated to a child especially when their father is a minister of sorts. John Rich is a perfect example of a Liberal Christian. Look what is being bragged about his house, booze women booze booze. JR loves to say “jesus didn’t turn the water to dr. pepper” yes but I don’t recall Jesus building a tower of debuachery or getting drunk and picking fights or throwing bottles into streets etc. JR tries to justify his actions and then act cute but He’s fooling less and less folks these days. Truth is he holds his daddy’s bible in one had and a crown and coke in the other and then claims to be a “christian”? Tell me this, when was the last time JR did anything that was truly “christian”?

  2. Gavin says

    John Rich is a disgrace to humanity. He is only a few steps better than Billy Joe Shaver, who is a total sleezebucket, even if he is found not guilty. A lot of country singers are low lifes, come to think of it. Its kinda funny how a lot of country fans prattle on about how country music is about wholesome values, but yet a lot of country singers tend to behave themselves badly.

  3. Brocephus says

    America is full of low-lifes. The fact that some of them possess some sort of musical talent is not a reflection on the genre in which they choose to express that talent. Furthermore, anybody who says country music is all about wholesome values is missing the other 75% of the genre, which opens its arms wide to stories about drunks, murderers, adulterers, thieves, and other assorted sinners.

    Awesome article.

  4. Andy Martin says

    Mt Richmore is easily the most miserably ugly home ever built, which is the perfect duet to Rich’s music. I live in Nashville, and have lived around Love Circle (where the house sits–or squats) and watched it being built. Usually when a house is being built, you say ‘well sure it looks terrible now with the cement trucks, rotting wood palettes, and garbage bins around it, but wait till you see it when finished.’ Well this house defied all expectations and was actually uglier when they removed the construction garbage. And, there is a sign on the outside of this awful structure, that is definitely the final proof of Rich’s complete lack of taste. It says “Trespassers may be shot.” The sign needs to be on the inside of this prison, and should read, “Escapees may be shot.” No kidding, it is a remarkably failed project and will be someone’s very expensive wrecking ball project in about 5 years.

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