Jason Aldean Stabbed in Biker Bar Brawl

  

Country singer Jason Aldean was seriously injured in an altercation at a Pensacola bar on Tuesday night. On a two-night break from his current tour, Aldean was blowing off a little steam when the fight occurred.

“He zoomed up in… wide open, on his black Harley and parked in the handicap spot,” said bar patron Ernest Bexley, who saw the whole thing go down. “He was looking for trouble from the word go. Didn’t have nobody with him but a bad attitude.”

Bexley continued: “He stomped out a cigarette on the doorstep, cursing about the ‘No Smoking’ sign. He walked in swinging his wallet chain and ordered a bottle of Black Label and he got p*ss drunk. He kept playing Johnny Cash on the jukebox and hitting on the cougars.”

“I sat down by him… didn’t know him from Adam at the time… and asked about the obviously new six-gun tattoo on his forearm. He told me in no uncertain terms to go pleasure myself in a way that’s not physically possible. I didn’t ask why… I just steered clear. But a couple old boys, Reed and Carver Jenkins, started up with him ’cause he’s kindly baby-faced. He told ‘em once his bottle was empty, he’d dispose of it in one of them’s rectum if they didn’t buzz off. It got ugly fast from there and he said he wouldn’t even scuff his Wranglers taking them boys out.

“They never made it out of doors cause ol’ Carver pulled out a butterfly knife like it was the ’80s or something. Aldean broke off his bottle and sh*t was on! He took Reed out with a left hook before another dude came off the bar onto his back. Carver came in with that knife and gut-stuck him. Aldean threw that dude off his back into the pinball machine and smashed that broke bottle into Carver’s temple and the fight was over, but he got in a few more licks. That sumb*tch was relentless… ornery as a copperhead in June. And then he lit out before the blue lights got there.”

Aldean attempted to sew himself up with some Spiderwire fishing line at a nearby bait store before finally passing out. He came to in a local emergency room, but dodged out before Pensacola PD could question him.

A warrant has not been issued, but authorities say Aldean could face charges of assault and parking in a handicap spot without displaying the appropriate placard. Several witnesses have come forward to say his actions were entirely in self defense, though carried out with extreme prejudice.

“I wouldn’t screw with him even if I wanted to…. and that’s the truth,” said Bexley.

Reported by “Trailer” Parkman of Farce the Music. Find more satirical articles in the Fake News archive.

Comments

  1. Rick says

    WOW, if Jason keeps these antics up he might be ready for a good match with “Mama Bear Cretin” when she gets out on parole for those cockfighting and animal cruelty charges! Man would I love to wage on that match!

  2. joey says

    this doesnt sound like Jason at all! this story is BS! read one of the headlines at the top right. Martina McBride caught is cockfighting ring?? i mean come on! get a life!

  3. Michael says

    Lately it seems like we’re getting more visitors than usual who are unable to grasp the concept of “fake news”. It’s humorous, but is there any particular reason for it?

    • says

      We’ve been getting a lot more referrals from Google lately, and it seems many of the newcomers are firing off comments without taking the time to orient themselves first. Suppose I should start adding a disclaimer at the end of each story?

  4. says

    Anyone who knows Jason knows that he would never smash a beer bottle over someone’s head. Poke them with the sharp end of a cocktail umbrella from a strawberry daiquiri, sure, but never a beer bottle.

  5. brittney says

    i don’t even think this sounds like jason at all i mean he is probally depressed about just finding out his wife has been messing around with 2 of his high school buddies once before first child was born and with other dude before second child was born but now that he’s going single and trying to find a new girlfriend im guessing he got really depressed i don’t know my friend’s mom know’s the drummer personally but i can tell ya one thing that’s for sure he quit drinking and smoking after this incident but he ain’t injured real bad though so that’s a good sign though but hey i would date him anyday though im staying single for him

  6. brittney says

    JASON PLEASE BE OKAY CAUSE I LOVE YOU AND I AIN’T TRYING TO MAKE YOU M AD BUT WILL YOU PLEASE QUIT DRINKING AND SMOKING CAUSE IT’S BAD FOR YOU AND PLUS I REALLY CARE ABOUT YOU AND I DON’T WANT ANYTHING BAD TO HAPPEN TO YOU WILL YOU TRY TO DO THAT FOR ME

    PLEASE LOVE YOU
    LOVE,BRITTNEY P.S. HUGE FAN MET YOU IN JAMBOREE IN THE HILLS BACK IN 2008 REMEMBER ME LOVE YOUR MUSIC LOVE THE TRUTH LOVE THE VIDEO BY THE WAY
    GOOD NIGHT LOVE YOU

    • Mike M. says

      LOL…yeah, this is awesome. These posts are so bizarre that it almost feels like C.M. or Trailer created them as a satire on a crazed, delusional Jason Aldean fan. I find it hard to fathom how somebody could’ve actually wrote this stuff, and were actually being serious (unless they were drunk, or under the age of ten).

  7. coty wheeler kovach says

    omgosh! comes w the territory i guess.even if this STORY is true kinda sounds like you dont want to mess w jason aldean! he will kick your ass. country boys can survive. and the ladies, weve learned alot from men like this. right on.. we know how to defend ourselves. thank you guys from the country, love it!!!

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