Jason Aldean Is Finally Happy, Really He Is

  

Jason Aldean headshotJason Aldean is finally living a fulfilled and joyous life and will assault you viciously if you don’t like it, according to a recent interview with the popular Face the Country blog. Though most of the questions asked were softballs, Aldean managed to insert his aggressively petulant views on life, music, and privacy into most every response.

Find an excerpted portion of the full Q&A below.

Face the Country: Jason, your new single “Burnin’ It Down” is just hot! Like, how’d you decide to go this direction?

Aldean: Well, some people out there think they get to be the deciders on what is and isn’t country. We just wanted to go in there and make something the hotties would love and the haters would hate. Not that I care what the haters think. I mean, I want them to hate it but I want them to shut up!!! It’s a pair of docks [sic], you know.

FTC: LOL. (yes, spoken audibly) You go, boy! We hate to bring this up, but there has been a tiny little eensy minuscule bit of criticism about your persona…

Aldean: Next question. No, let me tell you something. That was so long ago. Like years. I don’t even remember who I was married to back then. I don’t even want to talk about this. Me and Brittany are very happy together, very damn happy. Move on. We don’t want to be in the public eye with this crap, so I’m not going to go into it. I mean, have you ever drove over the speed limit? Yeah, so who are you to sit and judge? I mean, let’s not talk about this stuff. It took years for me to get this happy, so I’m not going to let you take that from me!

FTC: (crying) It must be an exciting time for you with your new album coming ou…

Aldean: Listen, if you say the words “bro country,” I will literally give you an atomic wedgie and take a picture of it and put it on my Instagram. I sing about what I know about. If you sang, you’d do songs about, uh, bloggifying or whatever. I’m a famous millionaire who is either on tour or home counting money at all times, so of course I sing about hanging out in the country. Next damn question.

FTC: I love rap music and I love country music and I love rap music inserted into country music and I love your music. That said, what do you have to say to critics of hick-ho…

Aldean: This is bullsh*t! You shut up right now. The next person out there, nerds behind a keyboard or whoever, who says anything remotely non-positive about me, my music, my life, or my friends… I will drive my tour bus directly to your house, dorm, or apartment and beat you down with my wallet chain. I’m freaking happy people!!! My life could not be bringing me any more satisfaction than it is at this very damn moment! Leave me the hell alone!

FTC: Ha ha, okay! We love you Jason!

Reported by “Trailer” Parkman of Face the Country Farce the Music. Find more satirical articles in the Fake News archive.

Comments

  1. Shelly says

    Getting a little too proud of yourself. Pride comes before a fall. You will destroy your career with your attitude and the future Mrs Aldean. Don’t remember the mother of your precious girls. How pathetic I feel sorry for you. You must b miserable to get so angry and defensive. Happy yeah keep trying to convince yourself

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