Heavyset Guy With Unruly Beard Makes Good Music


unruly beardAccording to industry sources, a heavyset man with an unruly beard has been making especially good music lately but may face an uphill climb at mainstream country radio stations.

The man, who crafts his own songs with all the care of a master beard groomer, is being widely credited with putting “substance ahead of style” in what sources claim is intended as a compliment to his music rather than an insult to his larger build and markedly unstylish appearance. Although the singer had not previously considered himself heavyset and doesn’t understand why that perception should make his musical talent any more surprising, he is nevertheless appreciative of the support and eager to experience success at some level fractional to what he could have experienced with absolutely terrible songs if he’d been born with Billy Currington abs.

Still, “there’s a proud tradition of moderately heavyset guys with unruly beards making very good music,” says Beardy Country Hall of Fame co-founder Tex Muttonchop, citing Jamey Johnson, Chris Stapleton, John Moreland, Zac Brown, Levi Lowrey, and not Colt Ford.

At press time, the heavyset man’s music was being praised online by a scrawnier guy with no chance of growing a beard half as impressive.

Find more satirical articles in the Fake News archive, or join our mailing list for a free Fake News e-book to take with you.



Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>