God Requests That He Not Be Thanked for CMA Awards

  

godEven God is getting in on the CMA Awards action. In a rare statement issued through his earthly liaison, John Rich, the deity of choice among country music listeners offers some thoughts on the upcoming show. His message, quoted in its entirety, follows:

Dear Country Music,

First of all, thank you. I appreciate all the songs you have written and sung about me. Very flattering! Lately, I’ve had that new one by Lee Ann Womack stuck in my head, though of course I change the words to “There Is a Me.” Very true!

As you may have heard, I know what’s in your heart even when you don’t speak it. Given that fact, it is not necessary to waste precious time thanking me in your awards show speeches. No need to say my name, pat your chest, glance up at the ceiling as though I might be camped out in the rafters of the Sommet Center. Just skip to thanking the producers, musicians, fans, etc. You know, the people who won’t know unless you say it out loud. I get it. Message received. You’ve only got a few seconds to talk anyway, so might as well make the most of it.

God knows – I mean, I know – I love country music, but, to be perfectly frank, I haven’t paid much attention to the CMAs since the early ’80s, when Lee Greenwood won Male Vocalist two years in a row. It didn’t seem worth the trouble after that. Little known fact: Even though it’s the song he’s most known for now, “God Bless the USA” stalled at #7 at the time of its release. I would have stalled it sooner, but by the time I caught wind of it it was already up to seven. What a wretched song!

At any rate, when it comes to deciding the winners of the CMA Awards, I play no part. As I understand it, they have a voting process that comes up with the results. Official tabulations and all that jazz. In most of the races, I have no preference.

Although the winner of the Entertainer of the Year award will surely credit me for his or her victory, I have more important things to worry about than whether it will be Kenny, Keith, Brad, George, or Taylor taking home a little trophy. Starving children in Africa, bitter political disputes in the Middle East, the ongoing saga of Jon and Kate Gosselin. My plate is pretty much full at the moment.

It’s the same way with most of the other categories. I claim no credit for cowriting or divinely inspiring “People Are Crazy” or any of the other song or single nominees. That was all you guys, thanks. Maybe if you write better songs, I’ll try to get in on the action, but I’d rather not have my name attached to shoddy workmanship.

Notable exceptions are the Album, Song, Single, and New Artist categories, where I favor Jamey Johnson, who has demonstrated the depth of his devotion to me by choosing to resemble a disciple. Love you, Jamey!

To all you country fans, enjoy the show. And to all of you country singers, go ahead and take credit for your own victories and (especially) defeats. You earned them!

Concept by Farce the Music

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