Garth Brooks Near Destitution

garthGarth Brooks is nearly broke.

The somber, emaciated 51-year-old across the table from our correspondent stood in stark contrast to the color-block shirted, barrel-chested wild man of Nashville memory as he confessed that “girls are expensive.”

Despite 200 million in album sales, years of sold out concert tours and an estimated $350 million in career earnings, the country legend is surviving on Spam and saltine crackers these days as he plots his comeback. “I know, I know… I’ve seen all those VH1 specials about guys like MC Hammer and thought, how the hell did they go through all that money?” admitted Brooks, pulling at a loose thread on his 2008 Old Navy America t-shirt.

Brooks put his career on hiatus in 2001 to see his daughters through high school and into college. The costs of his divorce that year and the upbringing of three girls was a far greater financial strain than any of his fans might have imagined. “Well, Sandy got half and the girls got the other half,” chuckled Garth, sipping Big K Cola from a can. “I didn’t know Bratz cost so damn much.”

“I’ve also burned through most of Trisha’s money with some bad investments,” he continued, with a tear the size of a quarter building in his left eye. “The pager store franchise went under in ’02… damn cell phones. And my personal brand of offensively bright shirts for big and tall men never got off the ground due to a sweat-shop scandal.”

His three-year Vegas run only put a band-aid on the problem as bills and tuition costs slowly ate away at Brooks’ remaining fortune. “I’ve lost 60 pounds, man; all my old ‘Mo’ Bettas look like circus tents on me now. I’m going in for a third mortgage on the mansion.”

A potential comeback is in the cards, though the 26-year Nashville vet is not currently aligned with a record label. “Borchetta is interested in a comeback album, but he’s not sure I’ll fit the Big Machine mold. Hell, I guess I’d do auto-tune and sing about trucks… I need some money, pardner!” said Brooks.

The “Friends in Low Places” superstar bid us adieu for his afternoon Starbucks shift with these off-topic words: “Everybody blames me for pop-country, but I’m Hank Sr. compared to folks these days…”

At press time, Scott Borchetta had passed on Garth Brooks for a 19-year-old community college dropout with a five o’clock shadow and an intriguing chin scar.

Reported by “Trailer” Parkman of Farce the Music. Find more satirical articles in the Fake News archive, or grab our free Fake News e-book for reading on the go.

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  1. dorothy kurant says

    Oh please, this sounds like National Enquirer stuff.

    Spam and salines? He is a vegan – no.

    I am really a fan of Garth and if this is some kind of make up stuff.

    Please stop. You are upsetting a lot of people!

  2. Sarah says

    Poor Garth Brooks, the royalties from one auto-tuned truck songs could purchase all the Bratz dolls his daughters could want.

  3. Eric says

    I wish Garth would come back out of retirement and give us more songs like “Much Too Young”, “If Tomorrow Never Comes”, “The Dance”, or “Beaches of Cheyenne”. It would truly be a breath of fresh air on country radio.

  4. Robert says

    And I quote: “I already have more money than my grandchildren’s grandchildren could ever spend.” It’s not that I’d wish that kind of loss on anyone, exactly, but the guy was just a supreme ass to a LOT of decent people in Nashville. The horror stories were rampant for years.

    • Fly Girl says

      @ Robert…gosh how funny you mentioned that exact quote because I heard it to when he was being interviewed by Diane Sawyer….if he really spent all that money there is not enough money in the world to help him.
      As for spending Trisha’s money too… doubtful is that? But, if true she’ll make enough extra food on food network to keep them both in meals, and money for rent to boot.


  5. Woody Moore says

    He was all about the benjamins. Not music. Adultery and sloth. Live by the sword, die by the sword. Nashville doesn’t need his values even if the man can carry a tune.

  6. Sierra says

    To all of you with the snarky comments… Look up the word satire. Geez, I’ve never seen such a dense bunch. *LOL*

  7. Joseph Blow says

    Totes lolz regarding the fake news story that has kerfluffled the hackles of some dumbassed blunt brains.

    Anyway, howzabout that comeback! For f***’s sake, Garth….If you’re going to sing THAT off key in your new ghastly single about, um, people loving people, you really ought to look into that goshdarned newfangled autotune.

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