Former lead singer of hit ’90s rock band Live Sugar Toads, James Kowarski, has inexplicably chosen a career path other than certain country stardom. When the Toads, who had three Modern Rock #2s in the mid-to-late nineties, couldn’t come to terms on the backstage deli spread for their comeback tour, James made the unique decision not to “return to his roots,” instead opting to become a stay-at-home dad.
“I’m from the south, sort of (Virginia DC suburbs), and sure, my folks listened to some John Denver when I was growing up, but uh, I don’t actually have a country bone in my body so I really don’t see any good in that path for me. It just wouldn’t be authentic, and isn’t authenticity what every artist strives for?” Kowarski told a snickering FNN reporter in a phone conversation Monday.
When asked how he could leave that much money on the table, James seemed perplexed. “Well, my band had a couple of double platinum records and some radio play, and I’ve invested wisely, my wife is a nurse and I produce some local bands… so I’m not exactly suffering. Do you mean to tell me that some former rock stars didn’t manage their finances properly?”
Curb and UMG Nashville have repeatedly sent representatives to wine and dine Kowarski, in each instance leaving without his signature on a contract. “I told them I still write some songs when I have time and if they want to pitch a couple of those, that’s cool, but they didn’t seem to care about music. They were only interested in measuring my head, getting me to repeat phrases in a southern accent and seeing what photo backgrounds I looked best against,” laughed the gravel-voiced singer of alt-rock radio staple “Lightning Makes Her Cry.”
Bon Jovi, Darius Rucker, Michelle Branch, Uncle Kracker, Jessica Simpson, Kid Rock, Aaron Lewis of Staind, Jewel, Jessica Harp, Sheryl Crow, Jaron and the Long Road to Love, and John Mellencamp had no comment.
Reported by “Trailer” Parkman of Farce the Music. Find more satirical articles in the Fake News archive.
If only the rest of the dolts mentioned in this article would follow suit and leave…
Jessica Harp was something other than country???
Let’s not forget Josh Kelley what’d he have to say? or Train? or Jessie James? or The Eagles? or Taylor Swift…oh wait…
Other musicians having an emphatic “NO Comment” response to FNN’s inquiries included Brett Michaels and the Van Zant brothers, who threatened to track the reporter down with a coon hound and skin them alive!