Fan Hospitalized After Chesney Drinking Game

kennychesney1University of Oklahoma junior Shaun ‘Shotgun’ Johnson approached the brink of death on Friday while playing a drinking game with his fraternity brothers during a CMT broadcast of a Kenny Chesney interview. The game, which entailed taking a shot of high-grade vodka every time Chesney responded to a question by uttering a cliché, was reportedly thought up by Johnson’s close friend Pete Hargas.

“I thought it would be fun,” said Hargas, his usually crisply-popped collar wilted by tearful saturation. “I didn’t intend for anyone to get hurt. I had no idea the clichés would come so fast and furious. It was like Kenny opened his mouth and poured out every tired saying you’ve ever heard in your life. And the weird part was that he was rubbing his chin and looking all reflective, like he thought he was coming up with that sh*t for the first time or saying something really deep or something. God, I don’t know what my girlfriend sees in that guy.”

Less than two minutes into the interview, having consumed as many as 16 shots of vodka, Shaun Johnson collapsed. While his friends were initially amused, they decided to wipe the drawings of phallic symbols off his face and call 911 after noticing that his breathing had apparently stopped. According to doctors, Johnson might not have survived the ordeal if his friends had waited even just fifteen minutes longer to make the call.

In a message posted to his website, Chesney calls this “a lucky break” and reports that Johnson is expected to make a full recovery (“should be back on his feet in no time”) with the doctors’ help. He also reflects on the meaning of this incident in the context of his career, one of the most successful in modern entertainment:

“I’ve been really down in the mouth over this whole thing. You know, it has been a long road to get where I am today. We like to go out there and raise the roof and give them a hundred and ten percent every night – hillbilly rock star out of control, you know? But I’m still basically that kid from East Tennessee who loved George Strait and followed the dream, hitched my wagon to a star, fought through the pain and played dive bars to empty tables for years to get here, so I don’t take any of it for granted. Life is good, and I owe it all to the fans. They mean the world to me, so it’s really sad to hear of something like this happening. Please drink responsibly, y’all.”

Some commentators are drawing comparisons to a similar fan health scare last year, when a man with no prior history of medical problems became comatose while listening to one of Chesney’s beach albums.

Concept by Farce the Music

Comments

  1. Chris N. says

    I’m afraid prepared statements from KC usually involve a lot more ellipses and sentence fragments. To wit:

    “I know this is a rough summer,” says the kid who grew up outside Knoxville with a working Mom and the summer job cash he could earn with odd jobs and playing for tips. “I remember how it is when you want to, and you gotta figure out what you’re not gonna do. It’s why we’ve really tried to keep the prices reasonable… put on a good show… but especially to give people for those few hours a reason to just have a good time! I can’t solve the problems, but maybe I can get you to forget… to laugh… be free and remember how great it feels to be alive.”

  2. Rick says

    Aha, I know this article is fake because of the reference to “high grade vodka”! Now if you would have said a sip of rum (especially Kenny’s own brand named “Pirate’s Piss” or some such), a margarita, a Mexican beer, or a fruity tropical drink (with a tiny umbrella in it), I would have believed the whole thing!

    Another fine article worthy of The Onion! You guys are ready for the big leagues of satire…

Trackbacks

  1. [...] Here’s why… University of Oklahoma junior Shaun ‘Shotgun’ Johnson approached the brink of death on Friday while playing a drinking game with his fraternity brothers during a CMT broadcast of a Kenny Chesney interview. The game, which entailed taking a shot of high-grade vodka every time Chesney responded to a question by uttering a cliché, was reportedly thought up by Johnson’s close friend Pete Hargas. [...]

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