Faces Rocked Off at Eric Church Show

  

Eric ChurchAt least 18 faux-outlaw country music fans are undergoing emergency facial reattachment surgeries at the University of Alabama at Birmingham’s Hillcrest Medical Center this morning after attending an Eric Church show last night.

According to a source at UAB, the injured began arriving within minutes of Church’s 8pm start time at nearby Birmingham Amphitheater. “He kicked off with ‘The Outsiders,’ evidently, and it was just too much for some of these people to handle. Their faces began melting almost immediately, and it only got worse over the course of the show. By the time he hit ‘Lotta Boot Left to Fill,’ the entire check-in area of our emergency room was a bloodbath. We’ve never seen anything like it. Obviously, Eric Church is just a huge badass.”

The prognosis of the patients is mostly good, said the medical center’s Dr. Benjamin Short.

“Some of these people might never look exactly as they did before, but with some Aviator shades and ball caps pulled down low to cover forehead scarring, they should look presentable enough under stage lights pulsing in time to oppressively heavy drumbeats.”

This is being called the most serious set of injuries from a single concert since April 2012, when dozens were sent home with repetitive stress fractures to their second and third finger joints after throwing the devil’s horns for the duration of a two-hour Brantley Gilbert concert. There were also reports of people becoming entangled in their neighbors’ low-hanging wallet chains at that show.

For his part, Church is unapologetic. “If you’re not ready to rock, don’t come to our show. Did I ever tell you about the time we got kicked off a Rascal Flatts tour?”

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Comments

      • CountryMusicSucks says

        It depends. Country is about being a drunken fool. If you like more recent country, you like getting drunk at tailgates. If you are old school, you like getting drunk in honky tonks. Country is also about being sexist toward women. If you like recent country, you like to talk about their badonkadonks, like Trace Adkins does. If you like old school country, you compare women to Corvettes, like George Jones did.

        Now some people have a hard time choosing new or old. For them, there is George Strait. A little bit old school in sound, but with new school production values. He is also highly recommended for those who like cowboys or wish they were a cowboy though they don’t want to do any actual work for fear of messing up their perfectly creased and ironed and starched shirts. Strait is also good for those who are a tad bit embarrassed by songs about attractive buttocks or “swerving like I’m George Jones.” Strait keeps those kinds of songs to a minimum, and when he does release them (e.g., “Drinking Man”) they bomb on the charts so nobody knows about them.

        Country is mostly about having a particular kind of country that you prefer and claiming that the other kinds suck. You can even go all Reggie Spears if you wish. Even though your preferred kind probably sucks too. But in the end it doesn’t really matter that it sucks: its just some noise to listen to when you are drunk at a tailgate or a honky-tonk, or perhaps when you are lusting after some woman or wishing you were the Marlboro Man. And that’s the point: sure, it sucks. But its supposed to suck. Additionally, the different varieties give people like Reggie Spears, who have low IQs, something to argue about after they get done with their debates over Chevy versus Ford. This is its real function: to give something to pre-occupy idiots with so that they don’t go out and vote or get involved in their communities and really start screwing things up.

        • the pistolero says

          He is also highly recommended for those who like cowboys or wish they were a cowboy though they don’t want to do any actual work for fear of messing up their perfectly creased and ironed and starched shirts. Strait is also good for those who are a tad bit embarrassed by songs about attractive buttocks or “swerving like I’m George Jones.” Strait keeps those kinds of songs to a minimum, and when he does release them (e.g., “Drinking Man”) they bomb on the charts so nobody knows about them.

          Not sure if this is satire, or trolling…

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