At least 18 faux-outlaw country music fans are undergoing emergency facial reattachment surgeries at the University of Alabama at Birmingham’s Hillcrest Medical Center this morning after attending an Eric Church show last night.
According to a source at UAB, the injured began arriving within minutes of Church’s 8pm start time at nearby Birmingham Amphitheater. “He kicked off with ‘The Outsiders,’ evidently, and it was just too much for some of these people to handle. Their faces began melting almost immediately, and it only got worse over the course of the show. By the time he hit ‘Lotta Boot Left to Fill,’ the entire check-in area of our emergency room was a bloodbath. We’ve never seen anything like it. Obviously, Eric Church is just a huge badass.”
The prognosis of the patients is mostly good, said the medical center’s Dr. Benjamin Short.
“Some of these people might never look exactly as they did before, but with some Aviator shades and ball caps pulled down low to cover forehead scarring, they should look presentable enough under stage lights pulsing in time to oppressively heavy drumbeats.”
This is being called the most serious set of injuries from a single concert since April 2012, when dozens were sent home with repetitive stress fractures to their second and third finger joints after throwing the devil’s horns for the duration of a two-hour Brantley Gilbert concert. There were also reports of people becoming entangled in their neighbors’ low-hanging wallet chains at that show.
For his part, Church is unapologetic. “If you’re not ready to rock, don’t come to our show. Did I ever tell you about the time we got kicked off a Rascal Flatts tour?”