Country Music Mailbag: Spring 2012

  

In the tradition of The 9513’s Mailbag feature, we tackle some of the real questions submitted by Country California’s search engine visitors since our last installment.

What are the stupidest things said by rich people?
“In the real world they’re shutting Detroit down/While the boss man gets his bonus pay and jets on out of town…”

How much would a Chris Cagle autograph be worth?
The value of whatever it’s on, less 15-20%.

How should I dress for a country concert?
Opinions will vary here, but I say you should just dress like you would for anything else. Or get all dudded up in your best pre-faded jeans, new plaid shirt from Target (remember to cut the tag off) and generic white cowboy hat. Those of us in the habit of arriving early to people-watch need folks to hate.

Has anyone died because of smoking cigarettes too much?
Seems a little farfetched to me.

Is it common to fantasize about Emmylou Harris?
If you’re a living, breathing human (male or female), I’d be concerned if you didn’t.

Why is Chad Brock’s “Yes” still on the radio?
There haven’t been any better songs released in the last 12 years.

What’s the name of that Miranda song “the way you burn me baby, I should be ashes by now”?
Strange but true: Not all songs involving fire are sung by Miranda Lambert. That one’s by Lee Ann Womack.

Whatever happened to JB Rocket?
Unfortunately, I actually know what you’re talking about. But I still think less of you for asking the question. (JB Rocket was a terrible boy band in the final season of Can You Duet.)

Is Tim McGraw afraid of stuff attacking him from his left side?
I haven’t noticed this personally. But since Kenny Chesney suffers from a similar condition, it makes sense that they’d want to pair up to cover all their angles.

Is Merle Haggard Jewish?
Wasn’t planning to spill the beans just yet, but since you mention it…

One of our Country California researchers recently unearthed original, handwritten first drafts of Merle classics like “Tulare Shmutz,” “Old Mentsh from the Mountain,” and “Bobeshi Harp.”

I can’t stand things out of place.
I’m that same way. Thanks for your question.

What’s the Little Jimmy Dickens joke about the stiff neck?
The stiff neck joke? Haven’t heard that one. Must be a recent additon to his repertoire.

What’s Hank III’s email address?
&!*$&%!!@hotmail.com

Carrie Underwood, future plumber?
Would you look at that, my sink just clogged!

Does Tim McGraw have false teeth?
Are Luke Bryan’s teeth fake?

Yes and yes. In fact, they share the same set.

Ever seen them singing together at the same time? Exactly.

How can you test if you sound like Josh Turner?
If you have to ask, you don’t. Got it, Scotty?

Where can I find pictures of country singers getting gas?
Talk about an unusual fetish!

Where can I find pictures of Dave Haywood shirtless?
I can sort of understand when people show up looking for shirtless pictures of Billy Ray Cyrus or Tim McGraw, but Dave Haywood? This is appalling.

What’s Country Bob’s hairstyle?
If he doesn’t wear a country bob, I’ll be disappointed.

Where can I find a cardboard cutout of a country girl?
In the lyrics of any Peach Pickers song.

Chris Young’s falsetto!
I know!

When will Carrie Underwood perform in Poland?
Poland? Uh, don’t worry… I’m sure it’s right at the top of her list.

Are country songs referring to Hank Jr. or Sr.?
Usually Jr., since the existence of his father is one of country’s best-kept secrets.

What’s the Confederate Railroad song about the fart?
The ’90s classic to which you refer is entitled “The Big One.”

What percentage of people were country fans in the ’80s?
All the people… minus those who explicitly didn’t like country music… minus those who claimed to like country music because of Urban Cowboy.

What does Leeann Ward have to say about Taylor Swift?
Omigosh, Leeann. You are famous.

What does Gary LeVox’s t-shirt mean?
From a purely functional standpoint, that you don’t have to see his bare chest. Thus, Gary LeVox’s t-shirt is one of the strongest possible arguments for the existence of a kind and loving Father.

Who dislikes Carrie Underwood?
Anyone attached to traditional definitions of marriage and/or good taste (cf. “Good Girl”).

Who is the best female line dancer?
Trick question. There is no best, or even good, line dancer. It’s a deplorable pastime.

Why isn’t Bradley Gaskin getting airplay?
A charismatic vocalist singing actual country songs? What would be the appeal?

Did Brantley Gilbert write “I’ll Fly Away”?
Under the pseudonym of Albert E. Brumley, yes.

Does Kenny Chesney shave his armpits?
No, he just started balding there first.

What is the most cynical country song?
“Country Girl (Shake It For Me)” by Luke Bryan, in a landslide.

Is Steve von Brandt a liar?
You mean Steve von Brandt, alleged 1998 Big Bass World Champ and Hall of Fame angler? I wouldn’t doubt it.

Will Taylor Swift’s next album be more country?
The initial signs seem promising. She’s been in the studio with Wayne Hancock and Heybale.

Who’s Steve Earle in the Sugarland song?
Singer-songwriter best known for the answer song “Land of Sugar.”

Does Chet Flippo hate Jason Aldean?
I don’t know if ‘hate’ is the right word. Chet’s just upset because he can’t pull off the hoop earring look.

Why does Rory always wear overalls?
Like Tobias Fünke, Rory is a never-nude.

Comments

  1. ChurchsChicken says

    “The Big One” really is a classic. Its not just about farting, its about farting in Church! Maybe someone should update it and write a song about a man who belches at a funeral.

  2. says

    Strange but true: Not all songs involving fire are sung by Miranda Lambert. That one’s by Lee Ann Womack.

    Or Rodney Crowell, if you’d rather.

    Is Merle Haggard Jewish?

    No, and Matt Weiner would really like you to stop floating that theory. Merle’s real name is Dick Whittman and the real Merle Haggard died in Korea.

  3. Pat says

    Jimmy Dickens joke: my doctor gave me some of those pills for men my age….and if yo
    you don’t swaller them quick you’ ll get a stiff neck….

    • BamaDan says

      His other joke….My wife said “Honey, let’s run upstairs and make love.” I told her “I can do one of those, but I can’t do both.” Then “Bird of Paradise” starts.

  4. says

    Why is Chad Brock’s “Yes” still on the radio?

    THAT WAS NOT ME, I SWEAR. Which is not to say that it is not a pertinent question.

    Where can I find pictures of Dave Haywood shirtless?

    Eew! Eew! Eew! Eew! Eew! That is all.

    Chet’s just upset because he can’t pull off the hoop earring look.

    To be fair, Jason Aldean can’t pull it off either.

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