Country Music Mailbag: February 2012

  

One of the ideas that came out of my correspondence with various readers following this post from a couple weeks ago was that of reviving the old The 9513 Mailbag feature, which always struck me as one of the more Country California-y things happening at that site in its heyday.

So, we’ll give it a shot. Here’s the first batch of reader questions, all based on actual searches leading to this site in the past several weeks. It’s a little different attempting it as a one-man show, so perhaps I’ll invite a guest or two along to field some questions if it continues into future editions.

How tall is Toby Keith?
About 6’3″, more if wearing stilettos. Which, just between you and me, is likely to be the case.

How big is Toby Keith?
You mean big, muscle-wise? A good point. I hereby withdraw the preceding joke.

What are some country songs that don’t sound country?
Many mainstream country radio stations devote specific time blocks to programming of this type. I don’t know about the exact schedule where you are, but in my area it’s usually something like 5am to 10pm daily, every day, forever. So that’d be a place to start.

Is California a country?
No, no it’s not. I thought we got this straightened out the last time you toured through the state, Bucky.

Where can I find a picture of Brantley Gilbert shirtless?
Taped inside the locker of a moody, pregnant teen in Michigan.

Why do people like Brantley Gilbert?
It’s a disease.

Who can I contact about getting a donation from Jason Aldean?
From what I understand, Mr. Aldean is very picky about the causes he supports. Are you working with a charity that travels the world piercing kids’ ears and giving them ratty cowboy hats? If not, don’t bother.

Can normal people go to country awards shows?
Catch-22. By expressing your desire to attend a country awards show, you forfeit your status as a normal person. You know Gary LeVox sings at those things, right?

Was Darryl Worley’s “Keep the Change” banned from radio?
Obviously. You know country radio and its extreme liberal bias. (See also: Dixie Chicks.)

What do you call Merle Haggard’s hairstyle?
Merle-pattern baldness. (I’m sorry.)

Is someone impersonating John Conlee?
Don’t tell me you saw another common man in a common van.

Look at Luke Bryan’s teeth.
Not without sunglasses, I won’t. I’ve been burned before.

There’s a man faking to be country singer Brantley Gilbert?
I’ve heard this too. If I’m not mistaken, that man’s name is Brantley Gilbert.

When does the Pistol Annies CD come out?
A fellow lover of cutting-edge music! You can buy it at Amazon first thing last August.

What’s Carrie Underwood’s home address?
Don’t let this get out to the wrong people, but here it is: Carrie Underwood, 801 Vantage Way Ct, Nashville, TN 37228. Breakfast served until 11am.

Where can I find country music gosup?
Whichever of the trashy country sites you end up at, your spelling skills suggest you’ll be very happy there.

Does Chris Christopherson have Alzheimer’s?
No. Also, his name is spelled Khriss Cristofphirson. Don’t feel bad; it’s an easy mistake.

Does Guy Clark have Alzheimer’s?
No.

Does Kenny Rogers have Alzheimer’s?
Oh, I see what’s happening. We’re just going to assume that any country singer over the age of 70 has Alzheimer’s, huh? Fair enough.

What’s with Ronnie Dunn’s COWBOY tattoo?
Believe it or not, it’s less embarrassing than the CONSTRUCTION WORKER across his chest and LEATHERMAN down his right thigh. Ronne is big into the Village People.

What was the name of my ex-husband’s band?
I’m gonna play the odds here and guess Asleep at the Wheel. That covers about half of all musicians.

What does Chris Young look for in a woman and what is his phone number?
Off the top of my head, I’d have to guess he’s really into the type of woman to whom he willingly gives out his phone number and maybe not so much into the type of woman trying to find it online.

Has Taylor Swift ever farted?
What did you think all those surprised faces were about? It ain’t the awards.

How do you join the MuzikMafia?
There isn’t much of a MuzikMafia to join these days, but you can do something similar by rounding up a bunch of semi-talented friends and agreeing on a stupid name for yourselves. TunezTribe isn’t taken yet.

How do you tie a bandana like Trent Tomlinson?
First things first: Have you had yourself tested for STDs recently?

What is the state of Kenny Chesney’s mental health?
Other than you and tequila, he’s fine.

What is buttermilk lipstick?
A delicious complement to gravy perfume.

What are some jokes about George Strait?
Q: Why did the scarecrow get an award from George Strait?
A: He was outstanding in his field.
Okay, so that was just a regular joke with Strait’s name added. Best I could do on short notice.

Jake Owen sucks.
Not really a question, but I can’t dispute it.

Did a guy poop at a Walmart in Alabama?
Colt Ford’s albums are usually recorded in Nashville or Atlanta.

Comments

  1. says

    This was always one of my favorite features of The 9513, especially the few times I got to participate. I’d be more than happy to chip in if you’d like a hand on future editions. Just saying.

  2. ChurchsChicken says

    If Taylor Swift has ever farted, it would be better than Carrie Underwood’s farts. Swift at least farts her own farts, but Underwood relies on others to fart her own farts. Swift’s farts may not have the range of scent that Carrie’s have, but at least they are authentic and about personal experience.

  3. says

    Ha, I’m surprised youdidnt link back to the old fake news article on “Taylor Toots.”

    So glad to see this feature back. If you need guest writers to help field questions in future editions, I would be downright tickled to help out.

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