In this special fall edition of Mailbag, friend of the site Andrew Lacy helps me tackle some of the most pressing questions in country music today. Thanks, Andrew!
All questions are sourced from actual search engine queries.
What’s the album with Randy Travis and Dolly Parton together?
Silicone & Scotch. -AL
Who’s the 82-year-old with the chronic upper respiratory infection?
Did you hear him on an Americana station? It could be Ryan Bingham.
Who sings the background vocals on Kenny Chesney’s “El Cerrito Place”?
Heidi Klum, who goes by the name Grace Potter in her music career.
Anyone else hate Brantley Gilbert?
Only dum city slickers. BG natin cud kick ur ass u stupid hippy. -AL
Is Clint Black’s bus driver bi?
Can neither confirm nor deny, but do know that in Black’s camp they prefer to think of it as “loving blind.”
Where can I find Brantley Gilbert’s high school photo?
Yeah, right. Like I’m supposed to believe he went to high school. -AL
What’s the country duo that sounds like Lady Antebellum?
Is big green tractor a euphemism?
That song’s from 2009. Please tell me you haven’t been trying to puzzle this out for the past three years.
How does Big & Rich feel about gay marriage?
It hasn’t been the right decision for them so far, but there is some precedent for outspoken homophobes like Rich eventually, uh, coming around…
Why so hateful, Jaron and the Long Road to Love?
You would be too if your last name was And The Long Road To Love. -AL
Does Carrie Underwood have fake teeth?
Ugh, some rumors just won’t quit. Underwood has already addressed these allegations multiple times in past hits “All-American Grill” and “Denturary Foam.”
Does Gary LeVox smoke cigarettes?
Yes. You can tell by his gravelly voice and trim figure.
What’s the Travis Tritt song “Well, Mama got sick and Daddy got down, the county got the farm and we moved to town”?
The song is called “Song of the South.” And Travis Tritt is called Alabama.
Is Loanstar getting back together?
They were, but they defaulted and Richie McDonald was repossessed by the Bankstar. -AL
Is Hank III doing the new Monday Night Football song?
Yes. Yes, he is.
Is Ashley Monroe really on Prozac?
I’m guessing this is in reference to the first verse of “Takin’ Pills.” Can’t say for sure one way or the other, but to me it seems farfetched that a songwriter would have a melancholy disposition.
Did Jana Kramer sleep her way up?
Her and every other female public figure who has accomplished anything, yes. It’s the only explanation.
How can I get a job on Blake Shelton’s road crew?
He holds auditions Monday nights on NBC. -AL
Why are people jealous of my singing?
Unless you’re Raul Malo, I’m guessing it’s because you’re delusional.
Has Josh Turner been shaving his chest?
Is Josh Turner gay-friendly?
It’s either yes/yes or no/no, but I’m not sure which.
What would be the name of a psychological condition that has a debilitating fear of being attacked from the left side?
K-Chesnitis. (Judging from the search traffic, this is actually a real thing. Sorry, Kenny.)
Who is this C.M. Wilcox guy, anyway?
Former frustrated back-up bassist for such venerable country bands as Heartland and the Smokin’ Armadillos. Also a founding member of Cowboy Crush and BOMSHEL.
Do they record you at Walmart?
More to the point, does Walmart license its security footage to video production companies? I get the feeling a Reginald Spears live DVD would be a big seller…
Can you get arrested for wearing overalls with no underwear?
Speaking of Reginald Spears… -AL
Does Taylor Swift chew her toenails?
Only while on the phone. Hence the talking real slow.
What’s the name of Chris Young’s tour manger?
To my knowledge, he just has the one manger at home. They get expensive to take on the road, especially when you factor in all the wise men and barnyard animals.
How is Dwight Yoakam’s health?
Reproductively? After years in those jeans, I wouldn’t be surprised to find his sperm count on the low side…
Is Randy Travis living like George Jones?
Not until he starts talking to imaginary waterfowl. -AL
Did Charlie Robison write “El Cerrito Place”?
No, but HIS VERSION IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN KENNY’S, etc.
Does Kenny Chesney do cocaine?
I doubt it. On the other hand, that could explain “Feel Like a Rock Star.”
How much is a Ronnie McDowell autograph worth?
As much as 25¢. Less if authentic.
What does Brantley Gilbert think of Ohio?
Dude, Brohio is killing it! BG nation is totally brotastic there, brochacho. -AL
When did Montgomery Gentry do their farewell tour?
Hmm. Not exactly a ringing endorsement for the Average Joe’s promotion team, is it?
Has Dave Haywood been writing Hillary Scott fan fiction?
I don’t know if you’d call it fan fiction, exactly. In most of the stories, Hillary gets sick just as she’s about to take the stage, so her mysterious guitar player is forced to take over all her vocal parts for the night. Then the fans are so impressed by him that they never let her sing again. She eventually ends up waiting tables at a roadside cafe in Wisconsin.
What’s the significance of the number 57 on Brad Paisley’s sleeve?
It’s there to remind him how many guitar solos to play per song. -AL
What’s the country song about peanut butter?
You might be thinking of “Like My Dog Does” by Billy Currington. I really hope not.
How can I meet Jamey Johnson?
There’s an 83% chance you’re actually living in his beard right now. -AL