Collected Wisdom: The 100 Greatest Tweets of Drunken Martina

67. Listen, if you want an autograph, it’s $10. Doesn’t matter if you’re with Make-A-Wish or not.

68. If Robert De Niro ever loses his voice, probably nobody would notice if they just dubbed in Miley Cyrus.

69. Can’t believe what I’m hearing about MILF acronym. Had no idea when Lee Ann Womack first showed me her tattoo.

70. Ugh, had a TERRIBLE day at the Chinese theme park. I was too tall for all the rides.

71. Garth Brooks announcement was lame. All that build-up and all he wanted to tell us was that he loves Subway’s new breakfast sandwiches.

72. I get the feeling Kid Rock bathes about as often as I hit my head on a ceiling fan.

73. Can’t believe my rotten luck. Just sprained a wrist slapping my maid.

74. NOTE TO FANS: Try to sing along if you must, but you’re just going to embarrass yourselves. I’m way better.

75. Do you sing a song about other songs instead of saying something new? Hey, this is country music… we do.

76. “Why does this eggnog taste like absinthe?” —first-time Martina holiday party attendee

77. MARTINA NEWSFLASH: For the month of December only, it’s okay to describe Gary LeVox’s complexion as “noggy.”

78. It’s difficult clothes shopping as a petite person. In fact, I sang a song about it once… y’all remember “In My Daughter’s Size”?

79. Brainstorming cover art for new album. So far, best idea is me scissor-kicking Katie Couric.

80. If Tim McGraw’s hair were any faker, it’d be Jennifer Nettles’ twang.

81. To keep my voice warmed up between shows, I spend a lot of time yelling at people I don’t know.

82. So excited about my new music. Think fans will really relate to song about wanting to punch Gwyneth Paltrow in the face.

83. What the eff is a Sunny Sweeney? Sounds like a Hawaiian sex position.

84. I’m like the Suge Knight of inspirational woman anthems, y’all.

85. Don’t know if this is why they chose the name, but that dude in Steel Magnolia does sort of have hair like Shirley MacLaine.

86. Big news! At my insistence, Blackbird Studio is now equipped with state-of-the-art step stools at all mic stands.

87. Carrie’s got Olay, Taylor’s got CoverGirl… I’m proud to announce I’ve been chosen as the new celebrity face of Fat Tire.

88. Getting my own TV show! Well, an episode, anyway. Gonna be on sitcom(?) called “Intervention.” Manager just told me. Excited!

89. Just me or does Storme Warren look like he could be part chipmunk?

90. My new song is sorta like if Barney Rubble partied with the Korean equivalent of Helen Keller. Sorry… I’m not great at describing things.

91. Just got kicked out of children’s bookstore for impromptu performance of Seven Dirty Words routine. Totally worth it.

92. Was I on the Grammys last night? I can’t remember anything after 10am cocktails with Charlie Sheen.

93. MARTINA FUN FACT: If I don’t get another #1 this year, I am seriously going to report that one JaneDear Girl to the INS.

94. Uncle Kracker is to country music as Dave Coulier is to hip hop.

95. Not too worried about losing power. House wired to run off of family of Cuban illegals on exercise bikes in basement.

96. MARTINA FUN FACT: Johnny Cash asked me to open a show for him once in the ’90s. Not co-headline, but OPEN. I slapped him.

97. MARTINA FUN FACT: My biggest influences are Maya Angelou, Pat Benatar and Charlie Sheen.

98. Now that most of the album is done, I’m second-guessing it. Maybe I shouldn’t have sung all my parts in Laotian?

99. Just saw Eddie Montgomery wearing an “I Are Nashville” button.

100. Thanks for kind words on new song. I came up with the doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doos myself.

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About C.M. Wilcox

A freelance writer and humorist with an abiding love of country music, C.M. Wilcox's cutting, clear-eyed take on the genre has drawn the attention of Country Weekly, The Washington Post, and The Tennessean in the years since he began this site. C.M. lives near Sacramento and can be reached by email at CMW (at) countrycalifornia.com.

Things People Are Saying

  1. Ben says:

    “Do you sing a song about other songs instead of saying something new? Hey, this is country music. We do.”

    When that one came out, that was when I started using the “Favorite This Tweet” feature on Twitter. That tweet just made me laugh out loud.

  2. bob says:

    Absolutely brilliant. Wish I was clever enough to write this stuff myself.

  3. Joe says:

    Difficult to pick a favorite here, but I’m going with the Jane Dear Girl bus accident!!

  4. Leeann Ward says:

    I love the Dann Huff tweet!

  5. Brad Gump says:

    Not nearly as funny as @notjakeowen

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