Collected Wisdom: The 100 Greatest Tweets of Drunken Martina

34. When we go to dinner with Tim and Faith, it’s always embarrassing how she has to help him read the menu.

35. In all honesty, I lost a lot of respect for the Opry when they refused to rename it Martina’s Funky Fun Party.

36. Justin Moore’s “How I Got to Be This Way” reveals surprisingly little about the origins of munchkinism.

37. MARTINA CHILD-REARING TIP: Use pictures of Zac Brown Band to teach kids about not getting into vans with strangers.

38. If I had a lamp with a genie in it, my three wishes would be to punch Toby Keith in the face. Three times.

39. In light of their recent commercial fortunes, can we downgrade Diamond Rio to Cubic Zirconia Creek?

40. The cutest little Asian girl just came up and said she loves my song Wong Baby Wong Baby Wong.

41. I’m not gonna say Lee Ann Womack is tiny, but I hear she took a nasty tumble over a toothpick.

42. Engagements for Kellie, Carrie, Miranda. I wonder if Taylor ever sits in her human size birdcage feeling silly.

43. I just saw the stupidest hat. Then I knocked it off of Kristian Bush’s head.

44. Heard that Dave Haywood turned 28 today. Remember him? Open lesbian, founding member of Sugarland?

45. If you’re thinking that my inseam is long, you’re wrong baby wrong.

46. Second Canadian show tonight… “Independence D’eh” and “Whatever Yous Eh” are crowd favorites.

47. In the time it took James Otto to sell 7500 singles, he was spotted 80,000 times in the wilderness of the Pacific Northwest.

48. According to Country Weekly, I have the best eyes in country music. Best flying roundhouse kick? Also me.

49. Thought I heard Underwood singing “Undo It” in bathroom, turned out daughter had hair caught in shower door.

50. Thinking of vacationing in Europe sometime. Learning “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!” in multiple languages just in case.

51. Heads up to Mrs. Steven Rudy: Look out for creepy ass guy in beret. Pretty sure he’s a stalker.

52. I once punched a guy in the face WHILE holding the long note at the end of “A Broken Wing”… so yeah, I’d say I’m pretty good.

53. Wow, someone just told me that Carrie got married to Ari Fleischer? Might have misheard name.

54. They finally traced the egg recall back to the source. Long story short, Rodney Atkins isn’t allowed unsupervised visits with hens anymore.

55. Justin Moore is so short he can sit on the edge of the sidewalk and swing his legs.

56. MARTINA ROLLER DERBY STRATEGY: In like a lion, out like a lamb.

57. Think this’ll be a good year for the Titans. They just added Wynonna on the offensive line.

58. Can you believe that Billy Currington got a #1 for being pretty good at drinking beer? Just PRETTY GOOD? What, like it’s hard? Wuss.

59. Joe Don’s daughter is Raquel Blue, no relation to Gary LeVox’s old stripper name, Chicken Cordon Bleu.

60. My next album is gonna be sick. Every song features T-Pain AND the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

61. MARTINA WONDERS: What kinda gone would you say Chris Cagle’s career is these days?

62. Jerrod Niemann’s new single is called “What Do You Want.” I’m going to rerelease “Cheap Whiskey” as an answer song.

63. Billy Currington is the poor man’s Matthew McConaughey. I’m the rich woman’s Lindsay Lohan.

64. Glad people like my singing and philanthropy, but think I’m really underappreciated for my nunchuck skills.

65. MARTINA FUN FACT: My saliva is chemically indistinguishable from absinthe.

66. Trent Tomlinson looks like if Vin Diesel and Criss Angel got married and hit their kid in the face with a shovel.

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About C.M. Wilcox

A freelance writer and humorist with an abiding love of country music, C.M. Wilcox's cutting, clear-eyed take on the genre has drawn the attention of Country Weekly, The Washington Post, and The Tennessean in the years since he began this site. C.M. lives near Sacramento and can be reached by email at CMW (at) countrycalifornia.com.

Things People Are Saying

  1. Ben says:

    “Do you sing a song about other songs instead of saying something new? Hey, this is country music. We do.”

    When that one came out, that was when I started using the “Favorite This Tweet” feature on Twitter. That tweet just made me laugh out loud.

  2. bob says:

    Absolutely brilliant. Wish I was clever enough to write this stuff myself.

  3. Joe says:

    Difficult to pick a favorite here, but I’m going with the Jane Dear Girl bus accident!!

  4. Leeann Ward says:

    I love the Dann Huff tweet!

  5. Brad Gump says:

    Not nearly as funny as @notjakeowen

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