Today, Country California salutes Drunken Martina, the First Lady of Boozy Misconduct and long-running Twitter/Facebook spin-off of a satirical series begun here in 2009. Sensing that social networks are a far too impermanent place to store some of the greatest bits of bite-sized wisdom of our time, we’ve taken the liberty of collecting our 100 favorite Drunken Martina tweets here for your enjoyment.
Without further ado…
1. When the album flops, at least Gretchen can always go back to tending bar in John Rich’s elevator
2. Not sure what ‘sexting’ is, but wish Kix Brooks would stop asking me to do it
3. Scott Borchetta looks as greasy as the walls of a Waffle House
4. Tell you what, I’ll start caring about ACM swag bags as soon as they start containing bundles of weed
5. Happy Easter. As per the old McBride holiday tradition, I’m dressing the kids up as bags of leaves.
6. Finally up after a late night at St. Jude. Kids are SO cute when they’re drunk.
7. Working with Dann Huff? Learn the Huff lingo: When he loves something it’s “super rad,” and anything he hates he calls “country”
8. Had to pull over for a few min when the bus hit a JaneDear Girl. You’re welcome.
9. There’s a contest going on to name The Judds’ final tour. I submitted Antiques Roadshow.
10. On nights when I’ve got a real good buzz going, I’ve been known to do as many as 11 encores, the last 7 or 8 in a George Jones duck voice.
11. Disney’s shutting down Lyric Street? If Love & Theft needs a new gig, Casa McBride is always hiring pool boys.
12. Lyric Street finally put out your album, but it killed them. Nice going, Sarah Buxton.
13. Loretta Lynn JUST called on my cell. I told her I’d get back to her when this Lost rerun is over.
14. Steve Azar looks like a street urchin in a Dickens play.
15. HELP! Any designers out there have a killer ACM dress for me? I wear size 4T.
16. MARTINA CHILD-REARING TIP: Don’t build the dungeon directly beneath the house, because their screams will keep you up all night.
17. I try to keep ticket prices low, but not too low. Who wants a crowd full of dirty paupers?
18. If you hear anything about someone possibly crashing a Lexus into a Cracker Barrel, it wasn’t me, okay?
19. MARTINA FAN APPRECIATION TIP: Act genuinely excited to talk to fans, even if they’re fat and disgusting. They usually are.
20. Only hire band members who can double as hitmen in a pinch, because you never know.
21. MARTINA CONVERSATION TIP: In cases of disagreement, whoever has the most platinum albums is presumed correct. 6 here… you?
22. Browsing Hallmark store for song ideas.
23. Q: What’s the difference between Trent Tomlinson and motel sheets? A: Motel sheets might not give you an STD.
24. If you don’t like Pat Benatar, kiss my ass.
25. SO proud of country for embracing a black guy like Darius Rucker, and a black woman like Wynonna thinks she is.
26. Drunk in the park at midnight, singing “This One’s for the Squirrels” at top of my lungs.
27. Chely Wright’s gayness is the worst-kept Nashville secret since Gary LeVox’s girdle.
28. I’m the biggest thing to come out of Kansas since Dorothy’s farmhouse, got it?
29. Read that there are luters stealing stuff downtown. Seems very atypical of specialty instrumentalists.
30. Every Jake Owen album is a concept album. The concept is that Jake Owen sucks.
31. Taylor Swift donated $500,000 to Red Lobster. She meant to type Red Cross, but that damn auto-complete feature threw her off.
32. Heard Wynonna will appear on an episode of Army Wives. She’s set to play Gen. Patton in a flashback.
33. I watched this show called The Biggest Loser, but Bucky Covington wasn’t on it, so I guess I’m confused about their criteria.
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