A study conducted by researchers at Vanderbilt University has identified the falsetto of up-and-coming country star Chris Young as the number three cause of death among women between the ages of 18 and 55, said a spokesman for the school.
Although it’s still ranked well behind heart disease and cancer, Young’s falsetto has finally outpaced stroke and various chronic lower respiratory diseases to take over the third slot.
“This has really taken us by surprise,” commented head researcher Brad Fletcher. “We saw the beginnings of the epidemic in March 2006, when women started turning up dead in their homes and, more often, trailers on Wednesday mornings, their TVs still tuned to the USA Network from the night before. At first, it was mostly obese women and mostly in the South, but by original song night – when he performed ‘Drinking Me Lonely’ – it was happening everywhere.”
“The problem seemed to subside when that season of Nashville Star ended in May, but it has really flared back up within the past year, as more people have been exposed to Young via that radio hit about taking the black dress off the tuxedo waiter, or whatever it is.”
Mr. Fletcher added: “Sorry, I’m more of a rock ‘n’ roll fan.”
Last month, The Tennessean ran a story about one of the few women who has lived to tell the tale after being taken to the brink of death by Young’s falsetto. Identified only as Marge, the woman told the paper: “I was at a show and he started singing an old Marty Robbins song. Next thing I knew, I felt my heart start to a-pitter-patter in my throat, and I saw a light, real bright-like, in my face. I thought sure I was going to the angels right then and there. Some way, the feeling passed over me and I made it through that night. I was one of the lucky ones.”
The experience left Marge alive, but conflicted: “I want to support Chris any way I can, going to shows and all, but my heart can’t stand any more of them sexy notes. Not until they find a pill or an antidote or something.”
Commentators are calling the findings of the Vanderbilt study the most significant to come out of Nashville since June 2008, when the music of Bucky Covington proved a more potent sleep aid than Lunesta and Ambien in clinical trials conducted at Belmont.