The US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has posted an urgent bulletin to its website warning of a fast-spreading new viral infection and offering treatment tips for those already exposed.
Typically contracted while swimming in mudholes located off of old dirt roads, fooling around in contaminated truck beds after long days of drinking beer lakeside, or bumping fists with skeezy up-and-coming country-rock singers, the Brantley Gilbert Virus could affect as many 100,000 people by year’s end. The young, naive, and musically malnourished are particularly susceptible.
As with most viral outbreaks of this sort, early detection is key to successful treatment. Sufferers can be identified by their enthusiastic embrace of backwoods cliches, impaired spelling skills, misidentification of raspy poseurism as “singing GREAT!!!,” and irrational hatred of Jason Aldean. Diagnosis is easiest online, where clear signs of affliction by the Brantley Gilbert Virus show up all over forums and blog comment threads. Nobody has ever met a Brantley Gilbert fan (sufferer) in person.
The CDC advises that anyone exhibiting symptoms should contact a qualified physician for treatment. Most cases can be handled by a simple series of antivirals and vintage Merle Haggard recordings, but extreme cases might also require Engine 145 and Jamey Johnson’s Guitar Song on vinyl.
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