Despondent, Old Blue Chair Drowns Self in Caribbean Sea

Early this morning, scuba divers discovered a weather-worn wicker chair on the ocean floor just off the coast of the Caribbean island of St. John. After extricating the chair from the seaweed in which it had become entangled and hauling it to shore, one of the scuba divers recognized it as a late companion of country singer Kenny Chesney. The chair was last seen alive yesterday, when several islanders noticed it hobbling along the beach toward a remote, cliffy area. Although no note has been … [Read more...]

Kenny Chesney Denies Rumor That He Prefers Éclairs

In a recent interview with Food & Wine magazine, Kenny Chesney denied a longstanding rumor that he prefers the French pastry known as the éclair to the more conventional American ring-shaped donut. "For someone to imply that I would prefer the éclair is, to me, very hurtful. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I love regular donuts, round with a hole in the middle, just like your typical God-fearing American male." Pressed for further information, Chesney added: "As the career grows and … [Read more...]

The Lost Trailers to Be Inducted Into Grand Ole Opry

The Grand Ole Opry announced today that members of the highly-unacclaimed country group The Lost Trailers will become its newest inductees this Saturday, February 14. Opry General Manager Pete Fisher explained: "They seem like a new group, but they've actually been together since 2000 and have already put out as many albums as Josh Turner and Carrie Underwood [both Opry members] combined, so we figured they were overdue for some recognition. It's our honor and privilege to extend this invitation … [Read more...]

Busy Day After All Nashville Area Grandfathers Die

All of Nashville erupted into activity on Monday following the inexplicable death of all Nashville-area grandfathers on Sunday. In addition to the expected church visits and funeral arrangements, people were also spotted embracing former enemies, eloping with longtime live-in partners, frolicking with their children in parks, phoning friends they hadn't spoken to in years, holding their eyes open wide so as to avoid blinking, and signing up en masse for skydiving lessons. This sudden citywide … [Read more...]

Kenny Rogers Arrested for Impersonating Kenny Rogers

Country legend Kenny Rogers was arrested for falsely identifying himself as country legend Kenny Rogers this morning. Pulled over for running a red light in downtown Nashville, Rogers told the officer his name and handed over his license and registration. Since the singer had not personally gone to the DMV to renew his license since 1994, the picture on the ID was some fifteen years out of date and bore little resemblance to the baby-skinned, expressionless 70-year-old of today. Reports … [Read more...]

Shania Twain Puts a Hit Out on Danielle Peck

Shania Twain met with a hefty, trenchcoat-clad man in a back alley late last night to make arrangements concerning up-and-coming country music star Danielle Peck. Twain wore a disguise for the meeting, her long hair tucked up into a beanie and familiar visage obscured by a set of black-rimmed glasses with a false nose and thick caterpillar moustache attached. Even so, some passersby report that the precautionary measure was all for naught, as the full-body leopard print outfit totally gave her … [Read more...]

Troy Gentry Catches Possible Alabama State Record Bass

Troy Gentry of the popular country music duo Montgomery Gentry has cut his share of records in his day. Now, he may have broken one. While fishing in Birmingham on Saturday afternoon, Gentry pulled in a massive 17.6 pound largemouth bass. Using a Strike King Mini Pro-Buzz Buzzbait in shallow water, Troy had already yanked in a 16 pounder and a 12 pounder when fate jerked his line. "I knew it was a hoss from the first hit," said Gentry, "and the water was so clear I could see that it might just … [Read more...]