Heavyset Guy With Unruly Beard Makes Good Music

unruly beard

According to industry sources, a heavyset man with an unruly beard has been making especially good music lately but may face an uphill climb at mainstream country radio stations. The man, who crafts his own songs with all the care of a master beard groomer, is being widely credited with putting "substance ahead of style" in what sources claim is intended as a compliment to his music rather than an insult to his larger build and markedly unstylish appearance. Although the singer had not … [Read more...]

Country DJ Pats Self on Back for Playing “Follow Your Arrow”

Kacey Musgraves

Sources report that Detroit air personality Charlie Chatterson has become insufferable since spinning Kacey Musgraves' "Follow Your Arrow" for the first time on Friday. "Ever since he played that song, it's like he thinks he's Hunter S. Thompson or Julian Assange or something," complained one fellow broadcaster. "He's always looking over his shoulder and talking about how he's sure the higher-ups are conspiring to blacklist him, but doesn't give a rip." "He says broadcasters can be … [Read more...]

Faces Rocked Off at Eric Church Show

Eric Church

At least 18 faux-outlaw country music fans are undergoing emergency facial reattachment surgeries at the University of Alabama at Birmingham's Hillcrest Medical Center this morning after attending an Eric Church show last night. According to a source at UAB, the injured began arriving within minutes of Church's 8pm start time at nearby Birmingham Amphitheater. "He kicked off with 'The Outsiders,' evidently, and it was just too much for some of these people to handle. Their faces began melting … [Read more...]

Ronnie Dunn Aging Gracefully

Ronnie Dunn

According to sources familiar with the matter, former Brooks & Dunn singer Ronnie Dunn is showing the utmost maturity and class in his attempts to get a hitmaking solo career off the ground. "To me, the remarkable thing about Ronnie," said one Music Row insider, "is that he has not become bitter. If anyone would have an uncompromised position from which to unhypocritically call out the sorry state of the industry, it'd be the guy who brought songs like 'Hillbilly Deluxe' and 'Put a Girl In … [Read more...]

Women Making Better Music This Year, Critic Tentatively Suggests

Photo credit: Becky Fluke

In a Country California exclusive, respected music critic Elmer G. Hawkins has gone on record with the surprising observation that the music made by country women in 2013 might, in some way, be superior to that made by country men over the same time period. Hawkins, whose writings have appeared in such bastions of online countercultural criticism as Chalkboard and Trowel, explained: "What it comes down to is - this is, obviously, just my opinion! - women are making much better music this … [Read more...]

Local Man Mows Vulgar Phrase on Radio Station Lawn

reginald

Local country music fan Reginald Spears was arrested Friday morning after mowing a vulgar phrase onto the lawn of radio station WTSM Catfish 104.9 FM. Police said Spears, who has a long record of misdemeanors and public complaints, was taken into custody without incident at the country station as he admired his work from the seat of his John Deere riding lawnmower. Deputy William Cranston said the man was finishing off a bottle of whiskey and singing to himself before turning around with his … [Read more...]

Garth Brooks Near Destitution

garth

Garth Brooks is nearly broke. The somber, emaciated 51-year-old across the table from our correspondent stood in stark contrast to the color-block shirted, barrel-chested wild man of Nashville memory as he confessed that "girls are expensive." Despite 200 million in album sales, years of sold out concert tours and an estimated $350 million in career earnings, the country legend is surviving on Spam and saltine crackers these days as he plots his comeback. "I know, I know... I've seen all … [Read more...]