A band with a sound that inspires utter indifference across genre lines and among all strata of society has settled on "Americana" as its classification of choice, according to a posting on the band website seen by virtually nobody. Having received equally chilly receptions at honky tonks, blues festivals, indie-rock clubs, folkie coffee houses, and veterans halls, the band members had long struggled to find the right words to describe their sound to those reluctantly cornered into hearing them … [Read more...]
Country news stories you won't find anywhere else. Because we made them up.
Hunter Hayes Fan Like Totally Doesn’t Get “The Apostle”
According to a 12-year-old Hunter Hayes fan who viewed "The Apostle" this weekend after hearing that a very young Hayes played accordion in one scene, the entire rest of the 1997 Robert Duvall film made like literally no sense at all. "There was an old guy who was going around talking to a lot of black people about starting a church or something," said seventh grader Madison Peters of the drama about the personal struggles and search for redemption of a hot-headed Pentecostal preacher. "He … [Read more...]
Facebook Fans of Local Radio Station Perpetually Confused
According to a new study out of Auburn University, there is no better place to witness mass hysteria and confusion than in the comment sections on your local country radio station's Facebook page. "We initially thought riots, natural disasters, Black Friday sales, and advanced algebra classes would prove the most fertile ground for our work," writes confusion researcher Paul Sheener, "but we kept coming back around to those damned people on the Facebook page of [your local station's call … [Read more...]
Rhonda Vincent Admitted to Hospital After Living on Biscuits for Past 14 Years
Bluegrass phenom Rhonda Vincent, a seven-time IBMA Female Vocalist of the Year, was admitted to a hospital with scurvy today after apparently subsisting solely on biscuits since 2000. When she signed a sponsorship deal with the Martha White flour company at the turn of the millennium, Vincent reportedly did not understand that the company intended to pay her only in free product for the duration of her professional life. But the singer's Midwestern ethos of letting nothing go to waste kicked … [Read more...]
Florida Georgia Line Pause Tour to Teach Women’s Studies Course
Florida Georgia Line's Double Douche Tour is going on a temporary hiatus as duo members Tyler Hubbard and Brian Kelley seize an opportunity to co-teach a women's studies course at Sarah Lawrence College. "There was little question when I started writing songs with Brian about sweet little country gals shaking it on tailgates that where I really ultimately wanted to end up was somewhere in the sanctified halls of academia," says Hubbard, pointing to his non-gender-conforming hairstyle as evidence … [Read more...]
New Eric Church Album Amazing, Reports Eric Church
Country singer Eric Church's new album The Outsiders is an outstanding artistic achievement such as the world has not seen in eons, reports country singer Eric Church. In a review posted on EricChurch.com, Eric Church says that the new album by Eric Church is "face-meltingly, revolutionarily good" and "obviously the product of a master craftsman of song." Church also complimented Church on his bold, convention-flouting decision to take a chance on rock producer Jay Joyce, who Church similarly … [Read more...]
Denim Shortage Brings Country Music Industry to Screeching Halt
An international denim shortage is hitting the country music community especially hard, with sources on Nashville's Music Row calling this "our Armageddon" and "even worse than when they renamed Fan Fair." While global trade and economics experts are unsure how this situation came to pass - many are even doubtful that such a thing is possible except as a far-fetched premise for a piece of satirical news - the repercussions of the denim drought can be felt everywhere. Among country music's … [Read more...]
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