The threesome, comprised of Rhett Akins, Ben Hayslip, and Dallas Davidson, had sent their song “Beer on a Truckbed” to Shelton for his next album, sure that it would follow past hits such as “All About Tonight” and “Honey Bee” up the charts. They were stunned when word came back, in the form of a handwritten note from the singer himself, that Shelton would not be recording the song:

“Fun song, guys, but it’s basically just a bunch of country cliches wrapped around repetitions of the title phrase,” wrote Shelton. “In fact, it sounds like almost everything else you’ve written for the past 5 years. I think maybe you should start giving the listening public a little more credit for not being a bunch of dumb hicks that want a bunch of country stereotypes parroted back to them all the time.”

“I can’t stand this sh*t,” he concluded.

Shelton’s management team has gone into damage control mode, sending camo hunting gear gift baskets to the publishing companies of all three Peach Pickers and explaining that the singer is going through a difficult time following the recent passing of his father.

“Blake will be back to his usual self by the time we head into the studio again, and I’m sure we’ll put at least 6 or 7 other Peach Pickers songs on his next album,” promises regular Shelton producer Scott Hendricks. “I have a great one in hand right now called ‘Beer in a Bass Boat,’ so things are looking good.”

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It’s a direction hinted at by several of the songs Swift debuted on her Australian tour dates late last year. Among them, a new number titled “Summer 2003″ full of head-turning passages such as:

Like that night at the bum fight
When you kissed me out behind the cars
We ran laughing, jabbing strangers
With needles full of SARS, oh yeah

That’s just the tip of the iceberg, says our source.

“Based on what I’ve heard, there are some seriously troubling revelations on this new album,” says music journalist Ted Wyzneckowski, one of a select number of tastemakers invited to sit in on two of Swift’s recording sessions last week. “Drug-addled crime sprees with Martina McBride and Lee Ann Womack? Fixing the 2008 World Series? Multiple attempted kidnappings of Bob Lefsetz? We thought Taylor was the nice, sweet girl portrayed in most of her past songs, but she’s finally getting real with us. It makes for exciting, disconcerting listening.”

Swift reportedly also dips into family history for the first time, revealing her father’s mob ties and implicating various family members in most of the major conspiracies and unsolved crimes of the past 150 years.

Take another of her recent recordings, “Just Another Saturday.”

Calling bomb threats into all of the local schools
My uncle Pete, he was the gunman on the grassy knoll

Representatives at Swift’s record label refused to comment, citing fear for their lives.

“Beneath that poised, well-spoken exterior, the woman is clearly insane, dangerous, and exceedingly well-connected in the global crime underworld. I think she’s going to surprise a lot of people with this next album,” concluded our source in his final dispatch last week.

Wyzneckowski has not been seen or heard from since Saturday.

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At a political tour stop in Ohio on Sunday, Montgomery fielded a question concerning the right of migrant workers to obtain government-funded healthcare.

“You do your thing, I’ll do mine,” the entertainer-turned-candidate smirked mischievously from beneath his broad-rimmed black hat. After exhibiting some confusion at Montgomery’s complete failure to address the question he had been posed, the crowd pepped up again as he grabbed a nearby mic stand and gave it a few twirls, bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet as if deranged.

“Whaddaya think about that?!” he shouted to raucous applause as confetti cannons fired and a large Jim Beam banner unfurled behind him.

Several attendees agreed that it was Montgomery’s playful enthusiasm and everyman charm that sealed the deal, cementing him as their candidate of choice.

“Most politicians seem so serious and knowledge-y, like they think they’re better than regular folk,” said local newspaper deliverywoman and Montgomery convert Odessa Collins. “Eddie is just so happy and approachable. You never feel stupid around him. Plus, his campaign is being sponsored by a company called Average Joe’s. You know? Them’s my people. The choice seems obvious to me.”

Clarifying his position on birth control, Montgomery took to Twitter on Sunday evening with a promise to treat “your town as if it was My Town. Hell yeah. Right on.”

At press time, nobody in Montgomery’s camp would speculate as to whether bear enthusiast friend ‘Tee-Roy’ Gentry or washed-up country singer brother John Michael would serve as his running mate. Within minutes of announcing his campaign, Montgomery had already catapulted into fourth place among the remaining Republican nominees, prompting Jon Huntsman to drop out and move to Fiji.

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Spears had apparently called the station several times in recent weeks profanely complaining about the seasonal hit being played so frequently. “I appreciate feedback from our listeners,” said station manager Bart McGee, “but a lot of people like to hear that song this time of year. It’s a sweet, and in no way contrived or overwrought, story.”

Currently still in the Hazzard County Jail, Spears is facing potential stiff fines and further charges pending an FCC investigation of the incident that knocked WTSM off the air for approximately 28 hours Monday and Tuesday.

Around noon on Monday, Spears allegedly climbed the fence behind the radio station and used industrial-grade bolt cutters to cut all wires and cables connecting the transmitter tower to the station. Miraculously unhurt despite the barbed wire and high voltage, Spears was only caught after posting a photo of himself urinating on the tower on Facebook.

“I told that little weasely sumbitch DJ that if he played that ‘Christmas Shoes’ crap again, he was going to regret it,” said the local man by phone interview yesterday.

Describing the circumstances that caused him to snap, Spears continued: “My internet had been down since I hit the phone line digging a pool in the front yard two weeks ago, so I was forcing myself to listen to regular radio. I usually just turned it down when they played Rascal Fatts or Fartly Gilbert, but it seemed like every other song was that damn weepy-ass feel-good piece of crap. Man, I love Jesus and everything, but f*ck me runnin’, I want to commit Harry Caray [editorial note: we're sure this is how he would have spelled it] when I hear about mama meeting Him tonight.”

Over at WTSM, McGee tells us the Clear Channel affiliated radio station may sue Spears to recoup repair charges and loss of advertising revenue: “I can’t understand how a lovely religious holiday song could make a man cause such damage – some folks just aren’t wired right, I guess.”

NewSong had no comment at press time.

Reported by “Trailer” Parkman of Farce the Music. Find more satirical articles in the Fake News archive.

“As I got to thinking about the situation, I realized that Curb wasn’t really a bad label. I had a lot of success with them over the years,” said McGraw. “Maybe if I had tried harder in the studio or spent more days on the road or something, things between us could have worked out better than they did. Whatever the problem was, it was probably somehow my fault. I owe it to them, and we owe it to each other, to give this thing another shot and stick it out for the sake of the fans.”

McGraw’s friends are uniformly, if quietly, criticizing the singer’s decision to re-sign with the label that abused him for so long, with one even suggesting that he might be suffering from Stockholm Syndrome. When these insinuations are brought to his attention, McGraw grows indignant: “They don’t understand. Mike says it will be different this time, and I believe him. As far the Stockholm thing, I’m not even Swedish.”

With artist-label relations resuming as normal, McGraw’s Emotional Traffic album is still on track for a 2019 release. “Mike says this album could take my career to the next level, but only if we get it right. You can bet your ass we’re going to take all the time we need to get it right. It’s too important to mess up.”

New, deluxe editions of all of McGraw’s hits albums will be released to commemorate the re-signing.

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“With our own induction, we’ve been thinking a lot about the Opry and its history lately,” explains Flatts bassist Jay DeMarcus. “A lot of people want to see Hank added as a member. Since we’re members now, if Hank joins our group, he also becomes a member of the Opry. It’s the perfect solution. As fans, we feel it’s the least we can do.”

Appearing on CNN’s Piers Morgan Tonight, Hank Jr. had harsh words for the Flatts’ addition, likening it to “Pol Pot joining an amateur women’s table tennis league.” The remark was met with widespread confusion and derision, with Washington Post writer Dylan Jensen calling Bocephus “not very good at analogies.”

The addition of the senior Williams to the Rascal Flatts lineup is more than symbolic. A discarded notebook full of the legendary country singer’s lyrical fragments and takeout orders will serve as the basis of the band’s next album, tentatively titled Ride With Hank. “We’ve contracted some of Music Row’s finest to flesh out the lyrics and set them to fresh melodies,” reveals DeMarcus, naming Neil Thrasher (“Bob That Head”) and Kara DioGuardi (“Undo It”) as two members of the committee entrusted with that task.

The project’s lead single is expected to be “Feelin’ Your Lovin’” (Thrasher/LeVox/Williams), adapted from a Hank fragment titled “Lonesome Beggar’s Last Lament.”

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Clad in matching “My Kinda Party” tour shirts, boots and cut-off jeans, the pair borrowed Berks’ dad’s old Dodge Ram and headed for less-developed paths.

“It was so boring I wanted to shoot myself in the face,” exaggerated Madison High School senior Young. “That song made dirt roads sound like so much fun, but it’s just like bugs and dirt and stuff! I mean, you can tell Jason totally knows what he’s talking about when he wrote that song and maybe dirt roads are just more fun in Georgia, but I’d rather listen to a Merle Haggard song than get off the blacktop ever again!”

The girls started off on an unnamed county road in neighboring Holmes County, by swerving “like George Jones” and smoking Kool cigarettes. “But dust was rolling IN the window… and the smoke was just making us cough,” related Berks. “And I could only get 1G on my Galaxy S!”

Next, they searched for a party in a pasture to attend, but found only cows, horses and a couple of discarded washing machines. “We stopped at a trailer to ask a guy if there was a party anywhere and he said the party was ‘right here’ and pointed to his pleather couch… I think he was on meth,” said Shelley.

The trip ended with a failed attempt at purchasing an Old Milwaukee tallboy to place “in the console.” “That old woman said we looked like we were twelve. Dumb b*tch, like she was gonna make any other money that day. Does anybody even live that far away from a Hollister?” complained Berks.

In summation, dirt roads “suck,” “blow” and caused the girls to “SMH” and say “FML” multiple times. “But we still love Jason! He’s so hot!” they cooed in perfect harmony.

Reported by “Trailer” Parkman of Farce the Music. Find more satirical articles in the Fake News archive.

Underwood first attracted attention from the staff of the Franklin PETCO for her habit of adopting two or three kittens every Thursday, then returning them a few weeks later with a note that she was still looking for one with “the right temperament.” This pattern sent up some red flags, as adoption center employee Gina Jefferson explains: “She would have up to 10 kittens checked out at a time. After a while, it got to where we were pretty suspicious of her and wouldn’t give her any more kittens. She made some threatening calls and we contacted the local police.”

Answering the front door of her Nashville home in a clawed-up bathrobe, Carrie Underwood seemed to treat the allegations casually.

“I’m not sure what the big deal is,” she sighed, eying a fuzzy two-week-old calico as it crept past her onto the front porch. “I’m a vegan. I work with PETA. I do a lot of different things to support animal-related causes. And yeah, every once in a while I’ll punch a kitten to let off some steam. It’s not really the big issue that people are trying to turn it into. Mike’s fine with it. He says they do stuff like this all the time in Canada.”

While some Underwood fans vehemently deny that the sweet-natured “American Idol” winner would ever punch an adorable kitten, others are finding new meaning in some of Underwood’s old website postings, such as the blog from April of last year where the singer wrote: “Little stressed out by trying to find right songs for my new album, but will keep writing and looking. Could totally clock a Siamese right now.” Or this, from September: “Watching Animal Planet. I wonder if koalas fight back.” In hindsight, says longtime fan Becky Gomez, “as much as it pains me to say so, some of the warning signs were definitely there.”

Underwood’s 2011 tour, Thumping Ragamuffins, will resume in September.

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“I’ve always dismissed country because I thought it was all corny backwoods stuff, with the fiddles and banjos and songs about beer and dogs. But all of Gloriana’s show was really upbeat and peppy. Even though the one guy was strumming a banjo on some songs, I don’t think he even had it plugged in. It was almost like seeing Selena Gomez.”

“I went into the show pretty much hating country, but Gloriana absolutely won me over,” Schmidt added, imagining that he was offering proof of musical quality rather than a sad indication of how completely country music has forsaken its own identity to appeal to out-of-genre fans just like himself. “Now I’ve been wearing my little cowboy hat [purchased at the show for $25] everywhere and telling people they should listen to country music because it’s really good and probably not what they’re thinking. It’s young and hip and actually sounds a lot like Madonna. My friends are already joking that I’m ‘Mr. Country’ now.”

Contacted by email, Gloriana’s Tom Gossin was excited to hear of his band’s part in Schmidt’s conversion.

“As big fans of country ourselves, we’re so proud to be winning people over on behalf of the genre. If we can be the gateway – if people start listening to us and it leads them to honky tonk legends like Meryl Hagard or Jimmy Paycheck or the Eagles – we feel like we’ve done our job. We listen to lots of Meryl on the bus, but at the same time, she’s right next to Clay Aiken and Rihanna on my iPod, you know? We just love music.”

Gossin added that the band’s next album will have “more of a gritty, traditional country flavor” to it. Dann Huff is producing.

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Third-shift electronics cashier Lena Johnston first noticed Spears rifling through the country CD section and filling a grocery cart with at least 100 discs before leaving the department. She thought he was just a rabid music fan until he returned 15 minutes later with the same cart and began slipping CDs back onto the shelves while looking around suspiciously.

Johnston walked over to Spears and asked if he’d decided not to make the massive music purchase. Spears responded “Yeah, yeah uh, yes ma’am” and began sweating profusely. He became spooked shortly afterwards and haphazardly threw the remainder of his CDs on the shelf before walking away. Johnston investigated the country section and noticed that it was full of unwrapped, well-worn CDs that Spears had apparently brought from his home. Spears was apprehended by security, mostly without incident, before leaving the store.

“I looked on the shelf and where Rascal Flatts was supposed to be, that scruffy looking man had put Flatt & Smugs or something like that… and where Taylor Swift had been, he’d replaced it with Tanya Tucker. I guess he’d stole all them new CDs and tried to replace ‘em with his old junk,” said a perplexed Johnston.

Fresh out on bail, Mr. Spears had a far different story. “I didn’t shoplift nothin’. I told the cops they could find all that country pop bullsh*t in the Rubbermaid garbage cans in home wares… where that crap belongs,” said Spears. “I was just trying to give the people around here some damn culture, so I brought my whole collection up here to give away for free. Of course, I’ve got it all ripped on my laptop. My alphabetizing skills might be lacking, but I ain’t stupid.”

“Can you believe they didn’t have a Jerry Reed CD in the whole god***n store?” he continued. “Well, for 15 shining minutes last Friday night, they did.”

The shoplifting charges against Spears were dropped but he still faces misdemeanor charges of mischief and merchandise tampering. For his part, Reginald is considering legal action against the store.

Spears explained: “They threw all my CDs in the dumpster and broke ‘em, them motherf***ers! I’m suing their asses for destruction of property and mental anguish. I was just trying to help this town out… I’m a by-God patriot!”

Walmart officials had no comment on the situation.

Reported by “Trailer” Parkman of Farce the Music. Find more satirical articles in the Fake News archive.