Country news stories you won't find anywhere else. Because we made them up.

Florida Georgia Line Pause Tour to Teach Women’s Studies Course

Florida-Georgia-Line

Florida Georgia Line's Double Douche Tour is going on a temporary hiatus as duo members Tyler Hubbard and Brian Kelley seize an opportunity to co-teach a women's studies course at Sarah Lawrence College. "There was little question when I started writing songs with Brian about sweet little country gals shaking it on tailgates that where I really ultimately wanted to end up was somewhere in the sanctified halls of academia," says Hubbard, pointing to his non-gender-conforming hairstyle as evidence … [Read more...]

New Eric Church Album Amazing, Reports Eric Church

Eric Church Outsiders

Country singer Eric Church's new album The Outsiders is an outstanding artistic achievement such as the world has not seen in eons, reports country singer Eric Church. In a review posted on EricChurch.com, Eric Church says that the new album by Eric Church is "face-meltingly, revolutionarily good" and "obviously the product of a master craftsman of song." Church also complimented Church on his bold, convention-flouting decision to take a chance on rock producer Jay Joyce, who Church similarly … [Read more...]

Denim Shortage Brings Country Music Industry to Screeching Halt

Denim

An international denim shortage is hitting the country music community especially hard, with sources on Nashville's Music Row calling this "our Armageddon" and "even worse than when they renamed Fan Fair." While global trade and economics experts are unsure how this situation came to pass - many are even doubtful that such a thing is possible except as a far-fetched premise for a piece of satirical news - the repercussions of the denim drought can be felt everywhere. Among country music's … [Read more...]

Heavyset Guy With Unruly Beard Makes Good Music

unruly beard

According to industry sources, a heavyset man with an unruly beard has been making especially good music lately but may face an uphill climb at mainstream country radio stations. The man, who crafts his own songs with all the care of a master beard groomer, is being widely credited with putting "substance ahead of style" in what sources claim is intended as a compliment to his music rather than an insult to his larger build and markedly unstylish appearance. Although the singer had not … [Read more...]

Country DJ Pats Self on Back for Playing “Follow Your Arrow”

Kacey Musgraves

Sources report that Detroit air personality Charlie Chatterson has become insufferable since spinning Kacey Musgraves' "Follow Your Arrow" for the first time on Friday. "Ever since he played that song, it's like he thinks he's Hunter S. Thompson or Julian Assange or something," complained one fellow broadcaster. "He's always looking over his shoulder and talking about how he's sure the higher-ups are conspiring to blacklist him, but doesn't give a rip." "He says broadcasters can be … [Read more...]

Faces Rocked Off at Eric Church Show

Eric Church

At least 18 faux-outlaw country music fans are undergoing emergency facial reattachment surgeries at the University of Alabama at Birmingham's Hillcrest Medical Center this morning after attending an Eric Church show last night. According to a source at UAB, the injured began arriving within minutes of Church's 8pm start time at nearby Birmingham Amphitheater. "He kicked off with 'The Outsiders,' evidently, and it was just too much for some of these people to handle. Their faces began melting … [Read more...]

Ronnie Dunn Aging Gracefully

Ronnie Dunn

According to sources familiar with the matter, former Brooks & Dunn singer Ronnie Dunn is showing the utmost maturity and class in his attempts to get a hitmaking solo career off the ground. "To me, the remarkable thing about Ronnie," said one Music Row insider, "is that he has not become bitter. If anyone would have an uncompromised position from which to unhypocritically call out the sorry state of the industry, it'd be the guy who brought songs like 'Hillbilly Deluxe' and 'Put a Girl In … [Read more...]