To see how many of our CMA Awards predictions come true, follow along as our friends at Engine 145 and Country Universe live blog the show tonight.

• During the “Footloose” opening, Blake Shelton and Kenny Loggins forgo professional back-up dancers, personally reenacting one of Ren and Ariel’s dance sequences from the film. Blake Shelton’s moonwalk wins him the lead role in next year’s “Dirty Dancing” remake.
• In accepting her Entertainer of the Year trophy, Taylor Swift takes a moment to burn Bob Lefsetz in effigy. In his email newsletter the next day, Lefsetz somehow spins this anecdote into a plug for Spotify.
• As the Female Vocalist winner makes her way to the stage, also-ran Martina McBride stabs her in the kneecap with a shiv before peeling out of arena on a flame-red Segway.
• David Kersh pulls up to the red carpet in his Opel Kadett, letting the motor run as he waits for someone to recognize him. After several minutes, his car rattles sadly away.
• In one of the bigger surprises of the night, Music Video of the Year goes to “Jalapeños” by the Bellamy Brothers. Faith Hill is seen crying “WHAT!?” despite not having a video among those nominated.
• Camera suddenly cuts to audience during Aldean acceptance speech, catching Brantley Gilbert unawares. He quickly tightens his jaw and puffs out his chest, attempting to look tough.
• Scotty McCreery malfunctions; curtains close swiftly as smoke billows from his ears.
• Rodney Atkins, who is currently Occupying Wall Street, is unable to attend.
• After several reports of a yeti in the restroom, security enters to find James Otto washing his hands.
• Brad Paisley makes toothless quip about Hank Williams Jr., pats self on back for edginess.
• Coming off of vocal rest for one song, Keith Urban sounds exactly like Kristin Chenoweth.
• Eager to replicate the viral magic of her last awards show appearance, Shania Twain takes the stage on 14-inch heels with a mean case of vertigo.

You can listen in on our chat through the Youtube player below.

* Some of Shania’s responses have been edited for length and/or content… oh, and all the questions were changed. And we probably didn’t actually speak to her. But other than that, this is exactly how it went down.

If you get a kick out of them, be sure to follow Drunken Martina on Twitter or Facebook. Just don’t tell her we sent you. She can be pretty ornery.

Without further ado…

1. When the album flops, at least Gretchen can always go back to tending bar in John Rich’s elevator

2. Not sure what ‘sexting’ is, but wish Kix Brooks would stop asking me to do it

3. Scott Borchetta looks as greasy as the walls of a Waffle House

4. Tell you what, I’ll start caring about ACM swag bags as soon as they start containing bundles of weed

5. Happy Easter. As per the old McBride holiday tradition, I’m dressing the kids up as bags of leaves.

6. Finally up after a late night at St. Jude. Kids are SO cute when they’re drunk.

7. Working with Dann Huff? Learn the Huff lingo: When he loves something it’s “super rad,” and anything he hates he calls “country”

8. Had to pull over for a few min when the bus hit a JaneDear Girl. You’re welcome.

9. There’s a contest going on to name The Judds’ final tour. I submitted Antiques Roadshow.

10. On nights when I’ve got a real good buzz going, I’ve been known to do as many as 11 encores, the last 7 or 8 in a George Jones duck voice.

11. Disney’s shutting down Lyric Street? If Love & Theft needs a new gig, Casa McBride is always hiring pool boys.

12. Lyric Street finally put out your album, but it killed them. Nice going, Sarah Buxton.

13. Loretta Lynn JUST called on my cell. I told her I’d get back to her when this Lost rerun is over.

14. Steve Azar looks like a street urchin in a Dickens play.

15. HELP! Any designers out there have a killer ACM dress for me? I wear size 4T.

16. MARTINA CHILD-REARING TIP: Don’t build the dungeon directly beneath the house, because their screams will keep you up all night.

17. I try to keep ticket prices low, but not too low. Who wants a crowd full of dirty paupers?

18. If you hear anything about someone possibly crashing a Lexus into a Cracker Barrel, it wasn’t me, okay?

19. MARTINA FAN APPRECIATION TIP: Act genuinely excited to talk to fans, even if they’re fat and disgusting. They usually are.

20. Only hire band members who can double as hitmen in a pinch, because you never know.

21. MARTINA CONVERSATION TIP: In cases of disagreement, whoever has the most platinum albums is presumed correct. 6 here… you?

22. Browsing Hallmark store for song ideas.

23. Q: What’s the difference between Trent Tomlinson and motel sheets? A: Motel sheets might not give you an STD.

24. If you don’t like Pat Benatar, kiss my ass.

25. SO proud of country for embracing a black guy like Darius Rucker, and a black woman like Wynonna thinks she is.

26. Drunk in the park at midnight, singing “This One’s for the Squirrels” at top of my lungs.

27. Chely Wright’s gayness is the worst-kept Nashville secret since Gary LeVox’s girdle.

28. I’m the biggest thing to come out of Kansas since Dorothy’s farmhouse, got it?

29. Read that there are luters stealing stuff downtown. Seems very atypical of specialty instrumentalists.

30. Every Jake Owen album is a concept album. The concept is that Jake Owen sucks.

31. Taylor Swift donated $500,000 to Red Lobster. She meant to type Red Cross, but that damn auto-complete feature threw her off.

32. Heard Wynonna will appear on an episode of Army Wives. She’s set to play Gen. Patton in a flashback.

33. I watched this show called The Biggest Loser, but Bucky Covington wasn’t on it, so I guess I’m confused about their criteria.

Page ahead to continue reading. (If you’re viewing this in a feed reader or daily email digest, you might have to click onto the site to access numbers 34-100.)

Everyone up to speed? Excellent.

Now, enjoy these 12 Things You Didn’t Know About Fake Jamey Johnson, starting with…

1. Begins each day with heart-healthy serving of oatmeal. Prefers the ‘quick’ version so he has more time in his morning routine for beard maintenance.

2. Sometimes follows breakfast with a quick transatlantic swim.

3. Has a weekly “cowriting session” with Martina McBride.

4. ¡Tiene una barba magnífica! (Okay, you probably did know that one.)

5. 100% clear on actual meaning of “My Uncle Used to Love Me But She Died.”

6. Shaves with full-strength Beard Buster every night before bed, to no avail.

7. Currently in talks to step in as new boss of Dunder Mifflin when Steve Carell leaves “The Office.”

8. Sleeps in refrigerator crisper drawer to keep beard extra-crunchy.

9. Passed on The 9513 Tour because unimpressed by paltry beards of Hayden and Kennedy.

10. Won rights to title of Savior of Country Music™ in a poker game with Dale Watson.

11. Taught Elvis most of what he knew about charisma and stage presence.

12. Uses Hootie & the Blowfish CDs as kindling.

Are You Ready to Take the Fake Jamey Johnson Challenge?
Grab your very own Fake Jamey cutout, send us some pictures of him out and about in your neck of the woods, and your adventures with Fake Jamey Johnson could be featured in the next edition! We’ll even publish them anonymously if you’re concerned about what your therapist might think.

I’m freezing! – chelywright

Mmmm…. Thai food.. – crystalbowersox

my bed head is in the shape of an upside down vase – walkerhayes

I think Id rather be punched 4 times in the face by HULK hogan than stub my toe once.. Ouch.. That could make a preacher curse! – bretteldredge

In studio recording the new single and an old fav “redneck side” for new album…then practicing new live show. Hope yall are ready!!! – JustinColeMoore
(Another redneck song! What a novel idea.)

The girl that slapped him looked stupid. & the girl with fangs needs a reality check. I love this show!!! Haha – whitneyduncan

Whachall dern this eeenin? – cowboytroy

Have u been trying to break in to the music business? What better way than singing with Josh Gracin? – joshgracin

Thx @US99Chicago for playing vintage @jakeofficial. Which reminds me, I’m down to my last pack. – alisonbonaguro
(Editor’s note: Jake Owen released his first song in 2006.)

The Aroma of Mcdonalds is in the air. Don’t know if it’s fries or burger. It all tastes the same. May as well eat the bag it comes in – steelmagnolia11

i really cant begin 2 express how powerful 2day has been n Memphis. Please support St Jude!!! -pb – locashcowboys
(Just not quite powerful enough to merit typing the word ‘in’ in its entirety.)

What the eff is a Sunny Sweeney? Sounds like a Hawaiian sex position. – DrunkenMartina

It’s just me and all the mall walkers this early at the mall! I am not dressed appropriately ;-) – kateandkacey

I never half ass it. It’s the whole ass or no ass at all. – JaidaDreyer

@US99Chicago wonder when we r gonna d a show with yall… im just sayin u know we will light the crowd up for you just like we did when we played there with toby and at joes – TrailerChoir
(Trailer Choir has been reduced to begging for gigs on Twitter.)

After listening closely to the lyrics, it appears as if Jason Aldean’s kinda party is a drunken date rape. – NotJakeOwen

I was craving banana bread so I made it. Now I will eat it. – dannygokey

Not sure what this is all about? Check out our first fake interview here

First up, we “talk” with Billy Currington, touted by DrunkenMartina as “the poor man’s Matthew McConaughey.”

Anyway, here’s a little information about the new album.

the New album frOm Taylor swift hit stores yesterday. By now, yoU’ve probably alreadY heard about It. speak Now is taylor’s third recordinG, and by some reports her best to date. the subject matter? allegedly somethIng having To do with boys.

(Find the first two adventures with Fake Jamey Johnson here and here.)

Fake Jamey Johnson began this day, like every other, with beardy reflections by candlelight.

He conferred with Randy Travis, who once faced the similarly tall order of following up The Storms of Life. Randy's advice?

Plenty of bling in the cover shot.

Fake Jamey then paid a quick visit to Hank Williams...

... and this cat, alleged by some to be the reincarnated spirit of Jimmie Rodgers.

As a quick test of his mental agility, Fake Jamey glared at a Rubik's Cube...

... and solved it through the sheer force of his beardyness.

Fake Jamey thought of the long road to this point, and wondered if he was truly worthy of all the praise now being sent his way...

Then he tuned his vintage radio (a Packard Bell Beardy 651) to a country station, heard the latest hit by Jason Aldean, and determined that, yeah, he's more than worthy.

Although he doesn't drink anymore, Fake Jamey Johnson still soaks his beard in motor oil and cheap vodka every morning to maintain an authentic country smell. Then he's out the door...

… to promote The Guitar Song, out today. Download it now by clicking on the image below.

I love this new adam lambert single so bad!!! – bomshel

Realizing how many of my things have the abbreviation BP written on them. Great. Just #~@<*^£¥ great. – BradPaisley

I love to stare at people in their cars at stop lights. – kelliepickler

Took sip out of my sweet tea. Something came thru straw. Noticed it wasn’t ice. I spit out a drowned FLY! – cowboytroy

Julianne’s new video is alright, if you’re into that sort of thing. – notchuckwicks

Not pre-ordering my album tomorrow is like open-hand slapping your grandma and yelling “Now cook me some biscuits bitch!!” – blakeshelton

I think it’s been six months since I checked MySpace. I may have missed something. Probably not. – JasonIsbell

A new summary of the course of human history: MenMenMenMenMenMenJaneAustenMenMenMenMarieCurieMenMenTwitter – rosannecash

Extreme Home Makeover is once aging killing me!!!! Bawling! – leannrimes

Be honest… do you text and drive? My guess is most of you will say yes and some of you will lie :) – JaronATLRTL

Yesterday I finished all the vocals on new record next is overdubs I’m thinking about making one of the songs a duet how about Tim McGraw – cmorganmusic

I asked the flight attendant how she was doing. She said, “ask me when you’re getting off the plane”. I have no idea how to take that. – Randy Montana

I have Bieber fever. Don’t hate – dannygokey

I hear Josh Gracin is so broke, every time it rains he follows Little Jimmy Dickens around trying to find a pot of gold. – NotJakeOwen

Just wrote a good song!!! – fastryde

This Damn HEAT is about to Kill a Fat Guy. – coltford

Holy shit. Robert Plant, Patty Griffin and Buddy Miller all in one band??!! Did I die? Am I in heaven?! AND covering Los Lobos? *DEAD* – michellebranch

ToreDallas a new one last night!Thx to R.Flatts for inviting us to be on the show!kickass crowd!It was like throwing gas on a fire..EnFuego! – johnrich

Driving through Portland, and just passed a sign for an “Elephant Garlic Festival”. You see something new every day. – jennettemccurdy

Yes they’re real and fabulous ;) – iamjessiejames

Thought I heard Underwood singing “Undo It” in bathroom, turned out daughter had hair caught in shower door. – DrunkenMartina

Got the night off here in Iowa! Food, bass pro shop then who knows! – TheJoshThompson

Ibuprofen would be a much better drug if it were slightly hallucinogenic. – JaidaDreyer