Fans of country goddess Carrie Underwood formally declared war on Poland today, the latest in a series of similar declarations made since the American Idol alum unseated Kitty Wells to become the most important female country singer ever in 2005.
The announcement was precipitated by an incident at Underwood’s Tuesday night show, when a wiry man speaking “something that sounded like Polish” rolled his eyes and exited the venue halfway through Underwood’s opening song. Although the man has not been located, news of his offense spread quickly on fan sites, inspiring Carrie Nation to quick and severe action.
“The Polish people have disgraced our leader, and they will pay!” fumed head message board moderator Meg Jones. “Because they have so far refused to cooperate with our investigation into the identity of the Polish man – on the grounds that walking out of a concert isn’t a crime and he might not have even been Polish, plus we weren’t actually able to find a listed phone number for the governor of Poland – we are left with no other options but to dispatch our volunteer soldiers to their borders immediately.”
The Carrie Nation Armed Forces, who eschew guns in favor of baseball bats a la “Before He Cheats,” are reportedly made up of girls in their teens and twenties, common housewives, and overweight, single, middle-aged men who pride themselves on intimate familiarity with all the details of Underwood’s personal life.
Even non-violent members of the Carrie community are up in arms over the Polish slight.
“The gall of that Polish man is just unbelievable! Just unbelievable! Taylor Swift doesn’t even sing very well and, unlike Carrie, she remixes her songs for pop radio!” blubbered fan Patsy Showalter, who could not explain how her comments on Swift were in any way relevant to the matter at hand.
Sixty of Patsy’s friends then appeared out of nowhere to echo that sentiment.