Carrie Underwood Cited for Kitten-Punching

  

Carrie UnderwoodPop-country powerhouse Carrie Underwood was cited and released for kitten-punching earlier this week, a source at the Franklin County Police Department revealed exclusively to Country California partner FNN (Fake News Network) earlier this morning.

Underwood first attracted attention from the staff of the Franklin PETCO for her habit of adopting two or three kittens every Thursday, then returning them a few weeks later with a note that she was still looking for one with “the right temperament.” This pattern sent up some red flags, as adoption center employee Gina Jefferson explains: “She would have up to 10 kittens checked out at a time. After a while, it got to where we were pretty suspicious of her and wouldn’t give her any more kittens. She made some threatening calls and we contacted the local police.”

Answering the front door of her Nashville home in a clawed-up bathrobe, Carrie Underwood seemed to treat the allegations casually.

“I’m not sure what the big deal is,” she sighed, eying a fuzzy two-week-old calico as it crept past her onto the front porch. “I’m a vegan. I work with PETA. I do a lot of different things to support animal-related causes. And yeah, every once in a while I’ll punch a kitten to let off some steam. It’s not really the big issue that people are trying to turn it into. Mike’s fine with it. He says they do stuff like this all the time in Canada.”

While some Underwood fans vehemently deny that the sweet-natured “American Idol” winner would ever punch an adorable kitten, others are finding new meaning in some of Underwood’s old website postings, such as the blog from April of last year where the singer wrote: “Little stressed out by trying to find right songs for my new album, but will keep writing and looking. Could totally clock a Siamese right now.” Or this, from September: “Watching Animal Planet. I wonder if koalas fight back.” In hindsight, says longtime fan Becky Gomez, “as much as it pains me to say so, some of the warning signs were definitely there.”

Underwood’s 2011 tour, Thumping Ragamuffins, will resume in September.

Find more satirical articles in the Fake News archive.

Comments

  1. Stephanie says

    Hilarious!! This might be my favorite fake news story yet, I love the image of Carrie Underwood in a ratty bathrobe punching a kitten. lol Now I just can’t wait to see all the crazy fangirls freak out about how mean you are for posting this, and how Carrie is going to sue you. :D Keep up the great work!

  2. GINA says

    WOW – WHAT IS WRONG W/YOU PEOPLE??? WOW – REALLY? SWEET CARRIE??? WHAT A STUPID F***IN STORY! IT MAKES NO SENSE & NO ONE WILL BELIEVE THIS S**T. IF SOMEONE REALLY DID SAY THIS – ODDS ARE THEY ARE JEALOUS OF HER! YOU GO CARRIE & WE LOVE YOU!

  3. Michelle says

    why can’t you people stop making up STUPID articles about Carrie because Carrie would never ever do that to her pets and SHE LOVES ANIMALS and she wouldn’t punch a kitten or anybody for your information so stop with making up stuff that is so untrue about carrie…

  4. Carrie Fan says

    Considering the fact that Carrie Underwood has two dogs and has never once said that she owns cats, I don’t believe this….you people are full of sh*t. I’m sorry

  5. mel says

    can’t get reader if your write a real story or is your capability that limited you cant write a real story – so dumb

  6. says

    You’ve hit the big time now, dude. The Gilbert Grape and Underwood Fans are totally pouncing on you immediately. I am jealous.

    I am digging all the details and believability of the story too.

  7. Kelly says

    LMAO! Good laugh.

    We all know Carrie couldn’t and wouldn’t ever do it, so chill out, people. It’s called “FAKE NEWS NETWORK” for a reason.

  8. BamaDan says

    It’s funny because it’s fake. That is all. I can’t say anymore. If you think you get heat for a fake story about Carrie, think what a Carrie fan will get from other Carrie fans for liking the story. Carriefan002 all the way up to Carriefan196754 will put a curse on me or something.

  9. BLL says

    “Answering the front door of her Nashville home in a clawed-up bathrobe, Carrie Underwood seemed to treat the allegations casually.”

    I vote this for quote of the week, LOL!!

    I suss the trolling will slow down once grammar school is back in session. Some of the posters should have paid more attention in class…..

  10. Britt says

    I just spent five minutes on this? Why I keep asking myself? Well, because the comments are funnier than the story itself.

  11. Hailey says

    your saying that she adopts two or three kittens every Thursday then returning them a few weeks later with a note that she was still looking for one with “the right temperament” & that she punches a kitten here and there to let off some steam!?!!!! wow! somebody has alot of time on there hands to write such a pathetic article. this has got to be one of the stupidest things i’ve ever read! i don’t even think she has enough time to go there and get kittens all the time! but, thanks for the laugh! haha Oh and we do this all the time in Canada? hahahahhahahhahaha, another reason of what makes this story so fake. :) just saying! & Thats right the “Sweet nature” american idol star WOULD never do such a thing. Come on people, you can’t always believe what you read! once you have prove like a video or actual interview or something a lot more realistic then i might be convinced, & you got this story from (FNN) Fake News Network, Doesn’t that tell you something? & also shes be touring around going to many festivals she wouldn’t have been home earlier this week! i want to know the “journalist” who came up with this story and where they got the idea! this is fake news, so please nobody believe this, some people are gallable and believe anything they read! But, please don’t be that Gallable and believe such foolishness!

    • Rick says

      Jeremy, I’m not sure most of Carrie’s rabid fembotgurl fans would even know what satire is as they were educated(?) in publick skools here in the States. I do like the concept of the “Fake News Network”! Hopefully its only a matter of time before “Fake News” video segments are offered on California Country featuring a hot blonde narcissist newscaster that talks mostly about herself! (lol)

    • ChurchsChicken says

      Yeah fame is getting to Carrie’s head. I’m worried for her. First she’s punching kittens and if she doesn’t change he ways she soon will be robbing gas stations like Martina McBride and then she might become a real outlaw like Eric Church and put mustard on her fries. I think the pressure of being less popular than Taylor Swift is getting to Carrie; she just isn’t as grounded and mature as Taylor is and I guess its eating her alive and causing her to do all these bad things. I hope she gets professional help stat.

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